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How NOT to Cook Dinner – 20 Painful Steps

I think I am a little… off these days. I have nothing else to offer you other than specific instructions on how not to cook dinner.

25tofly

Expectation

kitchen disaster

Reality (minus consoling male figure)

*All instructions are direct results of thorough investigation and experimentation by scholars of the 25tofly cooking institute on 11/26/2012 at 6:00pm.*

Nah, actually these instructions result from my lack of fluid motor skills and general cognition without wearing my LJs and consuming alcohol while cooking. If you learn anything from this, it is that you never deviate from standard protocol.

1. Buy all ingredients for a slightly unconventional Thanksgiving meal because you never got to eat any leftovers at your parents house. Include a rotisserie chicken in place of a turkey.

2. Get home and put that chicken (plastic container and all) in the oven just to keep in some of the warmth.  Leave oven off.

3. Make candied yams that look like baby food mush because you bought the wrong canned yams. Ignore this and add brown sugar to feel like you are still making it the correct way.

4. Set sweet potato slop aside and cut veggies for stuffing while slicing fingernail in half. Be thankful it wasn’t your entire finger.

5. Begin mixing the stuffing even though you realize you don’t have enough sherry to complete the recipe.

6. Forget about turkey chicken in oven and preheat to 400 degrees.

7. Add way more melted butter to the stuffing than you usually do, because the stuffing is acting like Rain-X to all moisture attempts.

8. Realize you left the chicken in the oven.

9. Panic and spill your apple cider.

10. Pull out mutated, and now surely radioactive plasticken.

11. Turn off oven and try to separate chicken from plastic container.

12. Try a piece, almost choke, and realize you will have to discard all of the chicken skin.

13. Place sides in the oven to bake for twenty minutes, but burn your hand while you are at it.

14. When the timer goes off, pull out your sides being careful not to burn your other hand.

15. You turned the oven off in step 11, dumbass.

16. Preheat oven again after you step in that drink you spilled but forgot to clean up. Your socks are now properly wet and gross and sad.

17. Bake sides for another twenty minutes while you stave off starvation by eating half of the rotisserie chicken.

18. When sides are finished baked (for real this time LOL), make yourself a plate.

19. Top it off with a roll that you smashed while trying to butter with cold butter.

20. Congratulations, you are no longer hungry. Now, put everything in tupperware, and do the dishes in scalding water to make sure you irritate your burn.

I’ll be ordering take-out tonight. You should too.

becca cord signature

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