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How NOT to Cook Dinner – 20 Painful Steps

I think I am a little… off these days. I have nothing else to offer you other than specific instructions on how not to cook dinner.

25tofly

Expectation

kitchen disaster

Reality (minus consoling male figure)

*All instructions are direct results of thorough investigation and experimentation by scholars of the 25tofly cooking institute on 11/26/2012 at 6:00pm.*

Nah, actually these instructions result from my lack of fluid motor skills and general cognition without wearing my LJs and consuming alcohol while cooking. If you learn anything from this, it is that you never deviate from standard protocol.

1. Buy all ingredients for a slightly unconventional Thanksgiving meal because you never got to eat any leftovers at your parents house. Include a rotisserie chicken in place of a turkey.

2. Get home and put that chicken (plastic container and all) in the oven just to keep in some of the warmth.  Leave oven off.

3. Make candied yams that look like baby food mush because you bought the wrong canned yams. Ignore this and add brown sugar to feel like you are still making it the correct way.

4. Set sweet potato slop aside and cut veggies for stuffing while slicing fingernail in half. Be thankful it wasn’t your entire finger.

5. Begin mixing the stuffing even though you realize you don’t have enough sherry to complete the recipe.

6. Forget about turkey chicken in oven and preheat to 400 degrees.

7. Add way more melted butter to the stuffing than you usually do, because the stuffing is acting like Rain-X to all moisture attempts.

8. Realize you left the chicken in the oven.

9. Panic and spill your apple cider.

10. Pull out mutated, and now surely radioactive plasticken.

11. Turn off oven and try to separate chicken from plastic container.

12. Try a piece, almost choke, and realize you will have to discard all of the chicken skin.

13. Place sides in the oven to bake for twenty minutes, but burn your hand while you are at it.

14. When the timer goes off, pull out your sides being careful not to burn your other hand.

15. You turned the oven off in step 11, dumbass.

16. Preheat oven again after you step in that drink you spilled but forgot to clean up. Your socks are now properly wet and gross and sad.

17. Bake sides for another twenty minutes while you stave off starvation by eating half of the rotisserie chicken.

18. When sides are finished baked (for real this time LOL), make yourself a plate.

19. Top it off with a roll that you smashed while trying to butter with cold butter.

20. Congratulations, you are no longer hungry. Now, put everything in tupperware, and do the dishes in scalding water to make sure you irritate your burn.

I’ll be ordering take-out tonight. You should too.

becca cord signature

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A Long Overdue Date With My Kitchen

If you have been reading any of my posts, you may know that I am not only in love with my bed but also my kitchen. Until about a year ago I knew how to make two dishes:

1. Baked chicken (I know, hold your applause).

2. French Toast.

After getting out of school and starting my job, I had a pretty good shock to the system while converting myself to a budget. I knew I would have to start making a go at cooking meals during the week to save some paper. A lot of families around here cook rice and gravy and gumbo as cheap fixes that last for days. So, I took my first cooking crack at the rice and gravy. Don’t let the name deceive you. It is not simply making some rice and adding some gravy. There is beef involved along with a tedious process for making the gravy from scratch. It is actually pretty easy to screw up (which I did… twice) if you don’t have some practice under your belt.

From there, I began Googling different recipes, downloading recipe apps on my phone, and eventually I was introduced to the almighty Pinterest. Needless to say, I’ve become a roux making, chicken stuffing, baking, sauteing boss.  Fine, I am not a boss of anything, but I can certainly crank out a pretty decent tasting and aesthetically pleasing meal. The picture above is from my cooking endeavors last night. There are a few items I must have present when showing my kitchen some TLC. Magazine for browsing while I wait on the oven to preheat? Check. Alcoholic beverage (last night I went for vodka tonic with fresh lime)? Check. Music? Check. Ingredients ready to go? Check.

Ingredients for Enchilladas
[Hey, is that a diploma photo bombing my ingredients? No, I strategically placed that in the picture so you will all know how smart I am. Joke! I am not allowed to hang things on the walls of my pad, so it chills in my kitchen.]

I had only cooked once in my apartment since I moved in about a month ago, so I decided I was long over due for firing up the burners. Read the rest of this entry

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