Okay Cups – The Truth About Your Beloved Keurig

The Keurig. It’s been around for a while now. It began as an idea in 1995 and has been in stores since at least 2010. This popular apparatus is from the same era as the iPhone 4, so why does it seem like people just discovered them all of the sudden ? Admittedly, I didn’t do enough research to find out the exact date it went to market, because I am lazy. This can only mean one thing: I obviously own Keurig.

STOP: Speaking of lazy, if you are too lazy to read this post, you can actually watch it instead! Click here.

I heard about this sassy machine at some point in fall 2013 from several different people. Oddly, those people fell into a precise target market. Over 30, married, smokers. Maybe that was a coincidence, but if you’re a 30 year old married smoker, I bet you’d punt a penguin to have a Donut Shop or Dark Roast after reading this post.

keurig

Becca shows the expression of both excitement and skepticism.

The Keurig has brought us to believe that brewing a pot of coffee is like rolling your own cigarettes. One convenience of the machine is that you don’t really have to clean it, unless of course your cat throws up on it. Which is pretty incredible. The self cleaning mechanism, not the cat puke. I wish they made cats that self clean their own puke.

Oh yes, we were talking about coffee. And cigarettes. And the Keurig. It seems like it has gotten to the point that people are as obsessed with their K-cups as they are with Starbucks, Miley Cyrus, memes, or even Miley Cyrus memes about Starbucks. Here is how to tell if you are one of those people (which for the record, I am not).

1. Since your mother-in-law gifted you your Keurig for Christmas, you have updated your stand-by resume with the added qualification of Barista.

2. You are a heterosexual man who is more excited over mention of K-cups than C-cups.

3. The largest brew setting is a crushing disappointment in your opinion.

4. You are not even slightly terrified of the massive needle used to pierce your K-cup, bleeding its contents into your greedy mug. In fact, you find it excitingly sadistic.

5. An annoying amount of your kitchen counter top space is bombarded with accessories like this:

k-cup holder

Keurigs really are great, I get it. Like I said, I have and use one of my own. Sure, it makes me look suave when I offer customized coffee at the end of all the fancy dinner parties I don’t have, but I still love-hate it for so many reasons:

1. The largest brew setting is a crushing disappointment, even for the non obsessed. But I guess that is what happens when the inventor himself had caffeine poisoning during its making. Pansy.

2. Inserting a K-Cup is like feeding a Piraña.

3. The Starbucks K-cups are still not as good as actual Starbucks. But that’s okay, I can only afford to buy the Great Value K-cups anyway.

4. Speaking of the K-cups, where the hell are the Black Tar roasts? I like a little coffee with my water please.

5. Fuck you “add water” light. Who has time to fill a water reservoir anymore? Give me a coffee maker that connects directly to my water line and creates a perpetual coffee-fall, and then we will talk.

What do you think about these java beasts? Love them? Hate them? Love and hate them? Let’s talk about it.

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About Becca Cord

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on January 22, 2014, in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 87 Comments.

  1. #5 is the reason I don’t have one. We have one at work and when I see that light on, I don’t even bother. That’s how lazy I am.

  2. Sing Speak Smile

    haha! i love this! i, too, have a love-hate relationship with my keurig. your comment about a self-refilling keurig is so so true. i get so ticked when i’m in a hurry and it needs filled! ha!
    and agreed – the largest size needs to be like, at least 2x bigger

  3. I also have a Keurig, and while it does come in handy to brew coffee, the K-cups are so damn expensive. Then my Keurig broke, and I’ve been too lazy to figure out how to fix it. So I’ve back to my cheap coffee pot. Seems kind of ironic considering how expensive the Keurig is…

    • Oh wow. Ashley I think I would lose my mind! But I guess as long as we get some form of brewed crack we are better off than not, right?

      Oh who am I kidding, I am just optimistic because I happen to be drinking Starbucks this very moment. MMMMMMMMMMMM.

  4. Nothing like reading a blog this am about coffee while drinking said substance!! Thanks Becca! :-)

  5. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I refuse to own one of these and you’ve given me more ammunition the next time this discussion of purchasing one comes up at the office.

    I’m “Not A Keurig Head”…see what I did there?

  6. Keurig is my friend. He hangs out with me every morning in the kitchen as we catch up on overnight media happenings. Sometimes the morning is going so good Mr Keurig makes me a second cup.

  7. No coffee for me either, partly the same reasons as BroJo’s.

    I do appreciate a nice cup of loose leaf herbal tea, however, and I’m still trying to figure out how to grow mint again successfully. That actually sounds bizarre now that I say it, figuring that much of the nation’s mint is grown in the region next door to mine– the Lower Yakima Valley (I kid you not…)

  8. I personally enjoy always having access to a full pot*

    *coffee, that is. Not a belly.

  9. I have one, though I prefer using my own coffee in the little attachment that lets you use your own coffee grounds in the Keurig.

    Sure, it’s a little more of a hassle, but it’s not bad and lets me enjoy my Community Coffee without the hassle of brewing a whole (or half) pot.

    Honestly, although I find them convenient, they just don’t make coffee that’s as strong and flavorful as my Cuisinart. I keep ‘em both around and truly use them both, but if I had to pick one or the other, the Keurig wouldn’t stand a chance…

    • Bryan I agree. I miss the amazing coffee brewer I used to have when I worked an 8-5. That thing was my baby, although I would never admit it in the office. Too many sexists would get satisfaction from knowing I secretly enjoyed making them (and myself) coffee every morning.

  10. Wait, you can get caffeine poisoning?! That’s a thing?! Are you kidding me? I do not have the brain power to worry about getting both that and alcohol poisoning every day.

    I am too lazy for even a Keurig. I just mooch coffee every morning off of a rotating cast of co-workers who are obsessed with fancy pour-over or french press set-ups.

    • I think he drank something like 40 cups a day or something ridiculous. I am surprised he had teeth or a stomach lining after that, let alone caffein poisoning.

      And I am with you. I can’t worry about two overdoses. I’ll stick to me one to two cups a day regimen.

      The Frech Press: the only machine more smug than the Keurig.

  11. I remember when they first came on the market in Canada and I considered getting one for a family member. The biggest problem at the time was that they offered almost no selection on coffee (think Maxwell House and Sanka), ONE tea and skanky, hockey-arena hot chocolate (which is fine in a hockey arena where everything is skanky).

    I don’t bother personally because I would miss taking out all of the days frustrations while grinding my own beans for the morning’s pot o’ Joe. With the rarest of exceptions (you know, less than half the time), I don’t name the individual beans after people who I presently find irksome, but that can help.

    And to your final point, if it’s not directly hooked up to your household water system, why bother?

    Great post! Randy

    • Randy,

      Sanka?! Ha! I too enjoy grinding beans. It’s so … satisfying. It makes the coffee taste better too. Totally does. And that’s not just in my head.

      Thanks for stopping by. I’ll save a cup for you next time.

  12. ooh, i am a keurig fan! mornings are not my thing, thus instant coffee IS my thing. i am with you on that asshole of a refill light.

  13. We drink too much coffee for this to be economical. The few times we ‘splurge’ we get specialty coffee, such as a Chai Soy Latte (which I admit is actually tea), or the Caramel Flan Latte, or the push-a-button kind at Speedway. And if I want just one cup, I’ll make tea instead.

    I think this will be like the Soda Stream or the bread maker or something – seems like a good idea at the time, but you never actually use it after a couple of weeks.

    • but I actually use my breadmaker machine…

      • Wow, really? Not many people use them more than one or two times. Because…. stores.

        • Really.

          Store-bought bread is in NO way comparable to homemade. I’ll concede that it does very well for sandwiches; there’s no easy way to slice homemade bread for such.

          I don’t have room for a stand mixer. While Cimmorene, my wife, is our Baker (I’m the Cook) and can make bread very well from scratch, she is not always well motivated to do so. And besides making bread, I use the machine all the time for pizza dough and pretzel dough.

          We’re impoverished. I’ll well use what I’ve got and put in the work for something nice and made from scratch at home.

          • STOP THIS RIGHT NOW. I want home made bread.

            Cimmorene has to be the best name I have ever heard. AND she bakes! You are a lucky dude.

          • Oh dear… well, if you were closer, we would bake some bread for you, I’m sure.

            I am lucky– but as I was saying, I’m the Cook, she’s the Baker. It works pretty well for an even steven trade although sometimes I bake (with the help of that bread machine) and sometimes, she cooks.

    • My parents had a fountain soda machine. They never used it. Not once. Didn’t even hook up the syrup. It was such a shame.

  14. Caffeine poisoning is a real threat? (I am also too lazy to Google thing.)

    And a coffee waterfall sounds pretty rad.

  15. Someone gave me a carousel full of K-cups before I even owned a Keurig. It was the most strangely impractical gift I’ve ever received. Now I am the proud owner of one, and use it pretty much daily.

  16. I drink too much coffee to make a Keurig worth my time or money. COFFEE. Bunches of it. However, if I had endless amounts of time and money, I would likely go for it. I’d like to have one around for when I want a cup a joe after dinner.

  17. I work at Target, and I had an older man come in looking for K-cups. He had no idea where to find them, and he seemed a bit put out that he even had to search for them. On the way to show him their exact location I admitted that I had one of my own at home. He gave me this look of disgust, telling me that his wife found this thing a couple of months ago and has been using it ever since, in the same tone I’m sure he would have used to tell me his wife had genital warts. He nearly spit out that the Keurig doesn’t brew “real coffee,” that it tastes like “piss water” (how would he know what piss water tastes like?), and how he hated having to get the K-cups for her. By the end of his tirade, I was pissed off that I had to even listen to it. Then I went home and brewed a few K-cups just for spite’s sake.

  18. We had one for a little while but the love affair fizzled out pretty quick, as love affairs are prone to do, I guess. I’m not a coffee drinker anyway; I hate to sober up too much and become even more aware of my surroundings…

  19. Oddly enough this very morning I was thinking of vlogging about my sweet coffee maker with a fuck-you-keurig-lovers attitude. Anything that starts with a K (k car, k tel, k mart, and especially kkk is just not great!)

  20. Things like this make me glad I don’t drink coffee and get to feel smug and superior about that. But then, I have other addictions. So much for smug and superior.

  21. The videos always make the posts better Becca, even when I’m not feeling lazy.

    By the way, being totally out of the loop on most everything, what’s the relationship here to the Nespresso, which is what all the coffee drinkers I love are currently peeing their pants over?

    • I am so glad you think so! I love making them to accompany posts. And just in general!

      I think Nespresso and Keurig are essentially the same concept? I admit though, even after seeing this question three times while answering comments, I still have been too lazy to open a new tab and find out. Sorry ;).

  22. My Dad did work on the design of the mechanism of those machines for Keurig.
    (He did not set up the K-cup or pour size.)

    I’d consider getting one of those, as I drink about 32 oz of coffee a day, spread across the hours.

    • YOU’RE LYING! IT’S ALL YOUR DAD’S FAULT!

      Just joshin’. But seriously, don’t get the Keurig if you drink a lot of coffee. You will be sleeping on a park bench with the DTs in about a month.

  23. I never jumped on the Kuerig train, but mostly because the K-cups are a buck a piece and it’s not in the budget (I’m cheap?) ha! I can see the appeal though. And I can’t get the image of punting a penguin out of my head now, which is both horrifying and hilarious.

    • You can buy this little cup that goes in the machine, and then you can refill it with ground coffee of your choice. You can get them on Amazon for 10-ish bucks.

      • Yep yep! It was how I justified my husband wanting one for Christmas with my Earth Mother ways. I love that little reusable cup.

      • Saw those, but as pathetic as it is, I never want to buy them in the store because I will have to drop $18 at once for the refillable cup AND a bag of coffee instead of just $8 for the disposable.

        No, it doesn’t make no sense. Yes, I am a horrible environmentalist. No, I am still not going to buy the refillable ones.

    • Ha! Rachelle, I am so glad to have confused your emotions with that image. I agree though, the K-cups are not as enjoyable for my finances as they are for my taste buds.

  24. I very much dislike it. I have to press the large and then do it again with the small cup to fill my damn mug just right. It’s not that big a mug for god’s sake! Plus the cups are so expensive that we end up using Folgers or some other crap like that in it anyway. Gah!

    • I didn’t even think to press the large and then the small. And I also now feel like an idiot for automatically assuming I could not improvise with the size buttons.

      Don – 1
      Becca – 0

  25. I don’t believe Keurig is so big here in Holland, although the name sounds very Dutch. The big coffee machine with cups here that sounds similar to the concept is Nespresso which is very much a brand that is advertised as if it is something classy and even sensual. Now I’m not a coffee drinker myself, but my boyfriend has recently got himself a Nespresso machine and really all I can say is that to me it seems tremendously expensive. But then again like I said, not a coffee drinker, maybe the quality is ten times better than filter coffee. I do have to say George Clooney doing the Nespresso advertisements does make it quite a sexy brand in my eyes even though I don’t and probably never will use it.

    • That is what Pixie Girl mentioned. Sounds like the same concept. And it certainly does sound sensual… unlike Keurig… which sounds like a torture apparatus. But maybe I am just bitter.

      George Clooney. My mom would like to see that.

  26. Hmm… is it simply a pod / capsule coffee machine (like Nepresso, Krups Dolce Gusto, Tassimo etc), or does it do something else?
    They’ve been around for a while in the UK (unless I’m missing something), and I completely agree they’re convenient, but it’s just not the same as as a proper espresso machine… that said I DO like my coffee, and am quite picky about it! But for work would be fantastic.

  27. We have one here and at work – I do love being able to make just one cup, but 10oz is a redonkulously small amount….luckily some of the k-cups can be ok at 16 oz without being too diluted. I don’t like the waste of the plastic k-cups (but I can use my refillable if I’m not too lazy…which is a challenge) and the crazy expense of $10 for a box.. but I also hated wasting a pot of coffee b/c I could never actually make anything less than the entire pot to taste right and don’t have the time to consume an entire pot of coffee before work in the AM.

    I love it more than I don’t – and I’m drinking my DONUT SHOP right now :)

    • Donut Shop! Nice! Too weak for my level of addiction, but still good. And yes, I agree that getting the right amount at the right level of strong in the Keurig is maddening.

      #coffeeproblems

      • ha – that’s what my husband said about Donut Shop – too weak :) But I also drink very thick coffee when I go to my friend’s house and she makes it from a militia – without measuring – but it’s black as black can be :) I can run the gamut of light to espresso to syrup.

  28. I just can’t go there.

  29. I was a shamelessly proud Keurig owner for years, but my coffee habit got so bad impressive, I almost had to take out a second mortgage paying for K-Cups. Just made the switch to the old-fashioned coffee maker in the fall, and haven’t looked back. (Starbucks or Trader Joe’s ground French Roast, black, in case you were wondering.)

  30. Love my Keurig. The Kcups are costly, though for my broke ass. I understand about the mediocre brands that are always on sale. Blah and boo. Gimme some Starbucks you cheap ass holes. Anyway….I dream of my coffee machine. Every penny has been worth it.
    I’ve managed to pinch my pot fund for the better brands.

    • Most all brands I have found are between 7 and 9 dollars for 12. BUT the other day I did find one on sale at a local grocery store called Gevalia Kaffe Dark Royal Roast. Instant addiction. Once you go Dark you don’t go Donut (that joke was a stretch and I am not proud of it).

  31. No coffee for this guy, but if I did I’m not sure I’d be on board. It seems like this instant gratification machine could ruin some people’s lives. It’s almost comparable to the cup-o-noodles. Can imagine using this idea in other facets of living? I enjoy a long shower. Traffic (kills me, but) makes me more patient. (Bad example, but wait) And then there’s “bedroom dancing”. Instant sex? Have you seen the movie Click? No thank you.

    • Hahaha great reference with Click! I too almost enjoy the wait of some things. For instance, instant mail would ruin the anticipation of getting a long awaited letter or …. wait…. I should be quiet before someone invents instant mail you can get online or something. ;)

      Congrats on new job by the way!

  32. I love the concept, but using one to feed my two-pot-a-day thirst isn’t practical or economical. I’ll stick to hauling around my giant Thermos and Mr. Coffee brewing up goodness 12-cups at a time.

  1. Pingback: A Vlog: About my Coffee Maker… in Other Words I Need A Life! | my cyber house rules

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