Versus: Part One

I have come to the realization that our brains are designed to trick us. They are designed to make us think we are consistent, in control, and then they bitch slap us so hard that all of our five senses start swapping spit. It’s like a form of sadistic entertainment to the eyes of the universe. What I have discovered, to sum it up, is that we have absolutely no idea what we like or don’t like or why. Hear me out.

Evil Brain from Outer Space_001

Because we are all made of stars anyway, right?

This is the simple case study of one human (me), faced with a series of versus tests. The first set that I will share with you involve edibles.

Candy Vs. Bank Suckers

As I have mentioned before, I am not a huge fan of sweets. Not only have I not had a birthday cake since I was too young to know not to stick things up my dog’s butt, but I am also just not a candy person. Before you say anything about chocolate, check yourself. Comparing chocolate to candy is like comparing filet mignon to a hot dog. Chocolate is not candy.

Candy is that artificial sweet, turn my mouth weird colors, get stuck in my teeth, and make me choke on the new thickness of my saliva kind of junk. I don’t like it. You get the point.

So, when I am sitting in the bank queue as my receipt floats back down the magic tube, I peer down into the plastic hovercraft to find a sucker the size of Stuart Little’s umbrella, and I am delighted. Utterly delighted I tell you.

Dum Dums

I can confirm they are appropriately named for the intended target market.

Yeah, that’s right, I got the sucker because I am the nicest and most charming customer on the planet. Definitely not because I am the sucker.

I suavely give the tellers a wink through the glass as I drive past. Then, I even eat the sucker. Down to the stick. Had my roommate walked up to me and handed me a lollipop for no reason, I probably would have grudgingly stared down at the pathetic offering before I smacked it out of her hand and shrieked a forceful, “No!” But bank suckers are just different.

Hotdog Vs. Free Hotdog at Work

The aforementioned isn’t my first offense in the area of edibles versus edibles. Speaking of hot dogs, for example, I wouldn’t particularly say that I hate them. Certainly not as much as my brain thinks I hate candy suckers outside the confines of Capital One, but you also won’t ever find Oscar Mayer hanging around my kitchen. I have even been known to forgo an entire meal at cookouts because of my disdain for hot dogs.

hotdog

Who puts this kind of filth on the internet? Ugh. #smdh

So naturally, when they used to bring us free hot dogs at my old office (for breakfast at that), I would fight with my elbows out. I would fight with grown men. I would lie, steal, and cheat just to make sure I got my hands on one of those delicious free hot dogs. And then I would devour it like. Like that made any sense at all.

Can Coke Vs. Bottle Coke

Finally, something I can talk about that I actually like. Here in the south we call any form of soda a Coke. Want a Sprite? That’s cool. I’ll be right back with your Coke. As I was saying, I have a wonderful relationship with Diet Coke. I don’t care if it is bad for me or if I am voluntarily embalming myself from the inside out. At least I’ll make a pretty corpse.

While I prefer fountain Cokes and Cokes poured into a glass over ice, I don’t discriminate too harshly against canned Coke or even Coke in plastic bottles. In fact, nothing can make Coke worse, but there is something that can make it ten times better.

bottle coke

Please excuse my soda boner.

Put a straw in me, I’m spent. There is nothing better than a Coke in a glass bottle. The straw is just there to blow your mind a little harder. Because it is definitely not the same exact artificially colored, cancer inducing, brown liquid coming from out of those cans, fountains, and plastic bottles. No no, this is different. Better.

Part Two is on deck!

 

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About Becca Cord

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on June 14, 2013, in Cooking, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 100 Comments.

  1. Oh man, my brain is so stupid. It constantly convinces me to watch scary movies while knowing full well that I am a total scaredy cat and probably won’t sleep a wink with the lights off :(

    I like lollipops, they are very versatile, I even wrote a song about them! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dng07LN4WtE

    I’m guilty coke fan too >.<

    Rohan.

  2. I couldn’t agree more with the virtues of Coke in a glass bottle compared to a can or plastic bottle. And this applies to Pepsi as well. And “Throwback Pepsi,” the kid made with REAL sugar instead of corn syrup, like when I was a kid — Oh, man… Heaven in a bottle. But no straw for me, thanks. I want my lips aginst those soda bottle lips and as close to the source as possible.

  3. I’m with you on all of them! FREE food is pretty much always welcome :) Here in SA they are back into glass in a big way, you can return coke bottles for a deposit too, which feels like more free. And it does taste better. Hands down.

  4. My favorite Coke is Root Beer.

  5. Chocolate. No hot dogs, ever. Bottled cola (in a glass bottle) or over ice. And if you come at me with any more little comments like Stuart Little’s umbrella, I may just die…

  6. Well done, Becca.
    (That’s all I got at the moment. I hope it’s enough.)

  7. Oh, I’m so with you on Coca-Cola out of a glass bottle. If you do have to drink it in a glass, it must be a proper Coke class, because that’s the closest you’re ever going to get to the glass bottle feeling.

  8. Passing on the hot dogs and coke, however….on and I’ll take your unsweetened tea…

  9. Send me all your jujy fruits (where the word ‘fruit’ is a lie) and lollipops- I love hard candy and gooey candy.

  10. All free food consumed at work is also calorie free too right??

  11. I have to tell you I 100 % agree with the glass bottle versus. We went to Maine a few months back and they had this old timey store there and lo and behold they had glass bottles of coke. I was digging through lint and bobby pins to scrounge up enough spare change to get me that cool bottle of the exact same soda I had in the fridge back at the hotel!

  12. Wow this is like Becca tube except for with words. It is very refreshing. What do you call it?

  13. Here’s one at our house. Anything that a person wearing an apron is handing out as a free sample at the Sam’s Club is automatically the most fucking delicious thing the kids have ever eaten. Whatever that same exact thing that is sampled and then brought home and cooked exactly the same way as at the store though it just awful to them.

    • Typical! I happen to hate the sample people in the stores. I feel bad if I reject them, but sometimes I just don’t want none, ya know. I think it is a southern thing. Guilt over refusing someone else’s food.

  14. My kids devour all the dum dums from the bank! They have no restraint. If I suck on any sucker it’s the one from the bank. What’s that all about? Agree, coke from a bottle is just different and better.

  15. Do you consider milk chocolate to be artificially sweet as opposed to pure chocolate? Just curious.

  16. Free food at work is always worth fighting for. Someone at my office basically offers free nachos for breakfast once a week and it’s amazing. However, this is the second time in the last week (and in my life) I’ve heard reference to hot dogs for breakfast. Am I missing something here?

  17. I absolutely hate the idea of hot dogs. Whenever I think of one I wonder why they were even invented. But when BBQ season rolls around suddenly I’m Mrs. Hotdog, can’t get enough. “Throw 17 on the grill, I’ve got my elastic waist pants on, people.”

    But seriously, you haven’t had a birthday cake in years? Mind blown.

  18. Access to Dum Dums was the most wonderful thing about working at a bank. Blee’ ‘dat.

    When I drank Coke, my favorite was when it came from a pop machine, like at McDonald’s. It’s just so much better than a can or a bottle. What the hell is this soda you speak of?

  19. Truthfully, I never stuck things up my dogs butt. No matter how young I may if been. Just thought I should point that out.

  20. When I first moved to Georgia we went to a restaurant (I can’t remember which one) and the waitress asked me what kind of coke I wanted. I looked at the menu and realized that they had Pepsi products. When I mentioned that I was treated like an idiot. I learned my lesson…

  21. Agreed, all of the above. Except with me, it’s doctor’s office Dum Dums.

  22. the best dum dum is the cocoanut. the diner i used to go to every weekend had a bowl of dum dums, and we all have our specific favorites. then they replaced the dum dums with those weird, yellow, butterscotch things. haven’t been back since.

    chocolate is not candy. chocolate should be given out in church if they want me to go. even then, i would just take it and run back and forth to dodge the lightning bolts. last time i tried to go to church, the doors slammed shut when i reached the top of the steps. hey, win-win as far as i’m concerned.

    hot dogs are the most disgusting food on the planet. soda the most disgusting drink. i won’t eat a hot dog unless it’s burned beyond all recognition, and even then it’s only once a year on father’s day because my brother goes out of his way to put mine on the grill at 10am for me to eat at 4pm. i don’t want to disappoint his little brain.

    what’s clear is that it’s not about the food. it’s about the free food. now i know how to lure the semi-redhead into the van with the blacked-out windows.

  23. I agree. Chocolate is NOT candy. It is chocolate. There is a difference. And a free hot dog is better than a hot dog. And yes, Coke in a glass bottle is much better than Coke in any other container. You are correct on all counts. Period.

  24. So every soda is a “Coke?” That must get confusing.

    Every once in a while, I’ll ask for a Coke in a restaurant, and the waiter or waitress will ask, “Is Pepsi OK?”

    I want to get a really serious look on my face and say, “Why would you possibly think Pepsi would be OK? No, Pepsi is not OK! IT IS NOT [expletive deleted] OKAY!!!”

    If I was really feeling committed, I’d walk out and never return.

    Sadly, I’ve never actually done this.

    • God, wouldn’t that feel good. I do the same thing in my head every time that happens, but always end up smiling and saying, “Yeah, that’s fine”. Fucking Pepsi. Waste of space is more like it!

  25. Ever tried Ice Cream and Coke in the same glass – like your boner but with premature ejaculation thrown in for good measure

  26. I prefer my coke with a straw as well. However I would rather a glass table to a glass bottle…..

  27. The soda boner is easily the funniest fucking thing you’ve ever invented. I’m still laughing. Can I put it in the Offical Chowderhead Dictionary of Made Up Shit if I link back?

    • Are…. are you serious?! I’m gonna be famous! I’d be honored to have an “ism” in your dictionary.

      I’ll show you my soda boner if you show me yours!

  28. From what I can gather, you like food that is free (bank suckers and breakfast hot dogs) or absolutely delicious (old timey glass bottle coke). I think your frugal yet discriminating brain deserves a gold medal for the performance, since those are both A+ decisions in my book.

  29. When I used to drink soda, I always preferred canned Pepsi over fountain, and fountain Coke over canned.

    But there is (maybe was, now) this place in Gatlinburg, TN that had all kinds of vintage crap. This was also the first place I’d ever discovered Coke in a glass bottle. They had this old-school machine that required only 75 cents in exchange for the glass-bottled deliciousness.

    This was my first encounter with glass bottle Coke.

    It was magical.

    I could see words coming out of people’s mouths. I could taste colors. I heard the beating hearts of everyone within a five mile radius.

    Magical.

  30. Now I think I’m the weirdo. I’m pretty sure I might have the opposite of all of this.
    I like cake…very much so. But when we have a birthday cake at work (used to be at least once a month…we’ve cut WAY back the last few years) I always forgo. Back in the day I would use that time to power-smoke three of four menthols. Now, I sit at my desk playing solitaire like a loser…while everyone else enjoys cake. Something’s not right.

  31. I fucking love hot dogs and I would have been pulling your hair out of your head for those things.

    Carry on with your soda boner.

  32. Becca,
    I like Dum-Dums, and other lollipops…
    Le Target Market

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