Please Welcome Back Z: The Fugitive

By popular demand, I am back! Well, that was actually my demand to Becca; to write another blog for me to have something entertaining to read today. When she failed to meet that demand, I decided it better to write my own and use her webspace to host the story I am about to tell. I posted the shortened version on my Facebook yesterday and received a bountiful seven “likes” that left me quite disappointed. So, instead I am going to use Becca’s immense following to help me bask in the glory of what I accomplished. After this is finished, I am going to Nevada to find a cavern where I can further retell my story by the use of finger paintings on cave walls.

KCCO

He looks innocent enough, right? Wrong, Read on.

On March 28th, I purchased a house to make me feel more grown up. I have spent the weeks since transferring all of the money from my bank account to Home Depot and Lowe’s to prove that I am no handy man and should have left everything the way I found it. This past weekend, my girlfriend and I made the official move. So Monday, I made my first trip on my new route to work. 

My normal driving routine is windows down, music up, cigarette in one hand with cell phone in the other and my seatbelt safely dangling behind my left shoulder. I passed the local high school dodging teenagers and the 73 school busses it evidently takes to deliver them to campus. At the next red light is where the excitement picked up. I used the right turn/merge/dodge lane to turn the corner past a Jack In The Box and there are four, I repeat FOUR, East Baton Rouge Sherriff Officers standing on the shoulder of the road. I naturally panicked at the sight, because my driving record has me now counting tickets on my toes.

As I am passing, all four officers run towards me, the closest of which was using his ticket book to flag me down. I did a quick survey of the situation and realized they were all on foot. No cars, no bicycles, no helicopters, no transportation of any sort. So, I did what every somewhat law abiding citizen would have done… I sped up, swerved to dodge the ticket book, and fled like I had actually followed through on my bank robbery dream from the night before. 

My first instinct was to pull out my pistol and fire a few shots in the air to add to the effect but decided with the recent school zone that it was probably not the best idea. I continued my twenty minute commute to work spending more time watching my rear view than I was the traffic in front of me. When I was not focused on the mirror, I was looking for side roads I could use to dodge and hide in case I saw flashing lights. I made it to work with no incident and no sign of a cop car the entire way. I exited my vehicle with hands in the air and loudly repeated a lyric from that famous NWA song. 

It had always been my dream to outrun the police. Granted, it took me being in a car and them being on foot. But there were four of them, so I saw it as a fair fight. I was so proud that I bragged to the first person I saw. This person just happened to be in buzz-kill mode and asked, “Do you think they got your license plate number?” Since the moment that was brought to my attention, I have not left my office building. If anyone needs me before Friday evening, I will be right here behind the locked janitor closet door. Come Friday evening though, I am making a trip to go see Becca, and not even a North Korean nuke could keep me from that!

Editor’s Note: Show Z some love in the comments y’all. He’s a sensitive guy as you can see. Or you could call the cops with an anonymous tip. The choice is yours. Just don’t give them my address. See y’all next week Flysters!

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About Becca Cord

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on May 2, 2013, in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 37 Comments.

  1. Z, congrats on the new house! Hope it’s all you and your good lady wish it to be.

    I was going to suggest that perhaps a hands-free kit for your car might be a good idea, but then, we wouldn’t get these interesting stories!

  2. Hi Rebecca, Hi Z, that’s nothing !! Hide behind your sofa and press play. Ralph xox :D

  3. Z, it’s good to see you again. Funny story. I would have been checking my rear view, too. Doesn’t that just happen? No matter how relaxed you think you are, it doesn’t matter. You’ll check until they’re gone. Enjoy your visit with Becca. Good luck on the house refinements.

  4. Atta boy, Z. Serves ‘em right for not having their squad cars handy. Speaking of not having a car…how long would it take you to get to work by bike? Hypothetically speaking of course…

    • Per GoogleMaps it would take me 1 hour and 10 minutes to bike the 13.6 miles I travel to get to work. However that does not include a cigarette break every quarter hour, dodging the other assholes like me on the road, or the muggings every quarter hour as I try to smoke my cigarette. Taking all of that into account if I biked to work Monday morning I would make it by the time a man walks on Mars.

  5. Speeding tickets were my specialty growing up. And now. Once in the span of two weeks (or so, I like to exaggerate) I got in an accident, totaled the car, borrowed my grandma’s, got it towed for being in an illegal spot that my parking ticket on the totalled car would have allowed me, had to walk 6 miles to get my grandma’s car, and then got two speeding tickets. The police knew me by heart those weeks.

    • I grew up in a small town. In high school instead of speeding tickets I was told to go home and tell my parents. Then later that night the cop would stop by my house to make sure I had told them and to concur with said parents on the proper punishment.

  6. You should probably keep some doughnuts in the car in case they catch up to you. Toss them out the window and take off while they chase them.

  7. Hands in the proper position of 10 and 2 please!! You have lived dangerously enough by not only purchasing a home, but attempting home improvement projects!! Said the FBG with the neverending string of bullshit to be done on her fixer-upper. ;)

  8. Never let the pigs keep you down, Z!
    (I don’t know where that came from, but it sounded appropriate given the circumstances.)

  9. Why were you singing lyrics to the National Weather Association?

  10. I’d love to do the same if I drove, I try to convince those who drive me around to do it but they all are cowards. What’s a 10 point deduction? Nothing!

  11. Oh my gosh! This is great!! I wish I could have outrun the police with the last two tickets I got… I’m paying over $900 in fines at the moment… Congrats on not getting a ticket!!
    Becca! Is that Jules for GoJulesGo next to the soon arrow? Wait… Did I give away the surprise?… Gosh I’m horrible at surprises…

    • 900 bucks?! Did you shoot one of them too? I am sorry to hear that. I try to grandma out these days when I am on the road to avoid all this. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t!

      Holy smokes. IS it Jules? By gosh, I think you are right! Only way to know for sure is to enhance the photo and look for chipmunks.

      • Hmm. I just might have to do that!!

        And yes 900 for two tickets. Both were speeding and no insurance. I actually only had no insurance once but the second time my wonderful husband forgot to tell me where he put it and the officer’s system didn’t pull it up. I will be making payments until February 2014….

    • $900 for two tickets??? I feel like your stories would put mine to shame! My wreckless driving in a school zone a few years ago only cost me $200…..

      • Nah. They were both speeding/no insurance. The only thing interesting was me trying not to redecorate the front of the court room with my breakfast, in front of I don’t know how many people, when the judge told me I could spend up to 30 days in jail…

        • Mandatory court appearances are always fun. One of mine was in an old abandoned building. The judge sat in a plastic lawn chair behind a fold out table. The echo of banjo’s through the town though helped to calm my nerves.

          • What?! No way… Well… It is Louisiana… Lol. Mine was actually in a court house. With a zombie response team vehicle out front….

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