How NOT to Cook Dinner – 20 Painful Steps

I think I am a little… off these days. I have nothing else to offer you other than specific instructions on how not to cook dinner.

25tofly

Expectation

kitchen disaster

Reality (minus consoling male figure)

*All instructions are direct results of thorough investigation and experimentation by scholars of the 25tofly cooking institute on 11/26/2012 at 6:00pm.*

Nah, actually these instructions result from my lack of fluid motor skills and general cognition without wearing my LJs and consuming alcohol while cooking. If you learn anything from this, it is that you never deviate from standard protocol.

1. Buy all ingredients for a slightly unconventional Thanksgiving meal because you never got to eat any leftovers at your parents house. Include a rotisserie chicken in place of a turkey.

2. Get home and put that chicken (plastic container and all) in the oven just to keep in some of the warmth.  Leave oven off.

3. Make candied yams that look like baby food mush because you bought the wrong canned yams. Ignore this and add brown sugar to feel like you are still making it the correct way.

4. Set sweet potato slop aside and cut veggies for stuffing while slicing fingernail in half. Be thankful it wasn’t your entire finger.

5. Begin mixing the stuffing even though you realize you don’t have enough sherry to complete the recipe.

6. Forget about turkey chicken in oven and preheat to 400 degrees.

7. Add way more melted butter to the stuffing than you usually do, because the stuffing is acting like Rain-X to all moisture attempts.

8. Realize you left the chicken in the oven.

9. Panic and spill your apple cider.

10. Pull out mutated, and now surely radioactive plasticken.

11. Turn off oven and try to separate chicken from plastic container.

12. Try a piece, almost choke, and realize you will have to discard all of the chicken skin.

13. Place sides in the oven to bake for twenty minutes, but burn your hand while you are at it.

14. When the timer goes off, pull out your sides being careful not to burn your other hand.

15. You turned the oven off in step 11, dumbass.

16. Preheat oven again after you step in that drink you spilled but forgot to clean up. Your socks are now properly wet and gross and sad.

17. Bake sides for another twenty minutes while you stave off starvation by eating half of the rotisserie chicken.

18. When sides are finished baked (for real this time LOL), make yourself a plate.

19. Top it off with a roll that you smashed while trying to butter with cold butter.

20. Congratulations, you are no longer hungry. Now, put everything in tupperware, and do the dishes in scalding water to make sure you irritate your burn.

I’ll be ordering take-out tonight. You should too.

becca cord signature

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About Becca Cord

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on November 27, 2012, in Cooking, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 93 Comments.

  1. HAhaha, this cracked me up. I was so pissed my computer was acting up so I wasn’t able to read all the blogs I wanted to and I always wondered which awesome posts I missed. Well clearly this one but I’m glad I still got a chance to read it! :)

  2. Once I offered to make a dish for my family’s Thanksgiving dinner. I wanted to pretend to be an adult and contribute to dinner. I offered to make the green bean casserole since it’s a family favorite and in my culinary wheelhouse. Well, I wound up baking a spoon in the dish for about 45 minutes. I realized the spoon I thought I had put in the sink had slunk down in the dish while I was out of the room watching an awesome monologue in Homeland (that show is riveting).
    So I may have slowly poisoned my family with the bi-product of heated metal. But they all ate it and nobody said it tasted tinny. Now they just ask me to bring wine to dinner.

  3. In your honor, I wrote a blog on my recent disaster attempting to make dumplings.

    http://thrillseekingbehavior.wordpress.com/2012/12/17/how-not-to-make-dumplings-in-30-harrowing-steps/

    Seriously, I read your post and wanted you to know that your Thanksgiving dinner looked pretty good! And for the record, I’m generally a really good cook.

  4. At Step 15, I almost peed myself laughing. Congrats!

  5. You may suck at cooking – at least in the kitchen – but you rock at blogging!

  6. I wanna come over to dinner just to watch the show! A tip: nachos are way easy and way yummy.

  7. How my grandmother cooked huge holiday meals is beyond me. She’d always say, “Oh, anyone can do it.” REALLY? Is that why the fire department always shows up at my house when I cook? SHUTUP GRANDMA YOU LIAR.

  8. Very funny, Becca. You cook like I do!

  9. step 15 is brilliant.

  10. That sounds scarily familiar…

    One cooking disaster I’ve heard of is when a person is cooking on an aga (a range type cooker that’s always on). You put the potatoes in to bake, or the stuffing, or the garlic bread, and remember the item in question at least 24 hours later, when said items will no longer resemble food, but a charcoal briquette.

    • Oh yikes. I have done that before in a regular oven, but I am sure after this post, that doesn’t surprise you.

      • I’m guessing you’ve also done the “forget the pan of boiling water” trick as well. Or the “forget the bread under the grill” trick?

        There was one night when I was on supper duty here when I was supposed to be making toast for about 14, but I got called away from the grill at least twice. I think I had to scrape every single darned slice of toast to get the really burnt bits off… *headdesk*

  11. My socks are sad, my funny bone is tickled, and my finger is jealous it’s never been sawed in half. I just don’t know what to do with myself, Becca.

  12. Becca,
    Take this comment as +5 Klout points for “cooking”.
    Le Clown

    • I did what she did with the ice cream with the butter, but I didn’t mention it in the post. Boiling butter doesn’t feel good on the hands even with the stuffing to soak it up. Or not soak it up in my case!

  13. Following this word for word.

  14. I once bought powdered gravy mix and the instructions said to add 2/3 of a glass of water. Only I read it as 2-3. I ended up with a gloppy mess. I ran out and bought a load more packs and kept adding powder which then came out too thick. Add water powder lather rinse repeat. I ended up with a giant bowlful of brown cement. Lovely. I am banned from most kitchens except my own. Unfortunately

  15. Hey! You have Blog Bling on the side there! :D :D

  16. NO! Not the fingernail! Oh the horror! Which one was it? Was it….the little one?
    Oh and you and I should never cook together. We might end up destroying the world.

  17. Betty Crocker, off her rocker.
    If I met her, I would sock her.

    That’s a poem for you, because you warmed my heart like a plasticken.

  18. “15. You turned the oven off in step 11, dumbass.”

    I laughed pretty hard at this.

    Recently, a girl I’m dating showed me her burn from the oven when cooking for Thanksgiving. I responded by showing her the scar at least twice the size on my bicep from drunkenly cooking pizza one night long ago at a sleepover party (I had a girlfriend at the time and I was less Red Pill). I heard the sizzle of my skin at the time, but I never lost focus, the pizza came out perfectly and was worth it. My relationship did/was not.

    I saw the ex-gf’s hot friend (also a dancer) in Vegas for a bachelor party after the relationship had ended, got the friend’s number, then failed at meeting up. This was also when I managed to fall asleep mid-steak dinner while a stripper was sitting on my lap. Still one of my best Vegas trips yet even though I barely had the Red Pill starting to eek through at the time.

    Becca, I think someone misspelled “cocksoling male” up there. You might want to fix it.

    • The more and more I hear from you the more and more you make sense. You say exactly what I think you might say. You have achieve the best kind of predictability.

      I want to go to Vegas now. Dammit.

      • LA/OC resident: “Vegas is only about 3 hours away from here!”

        In reality, it’s 4 to 4.5 hours, or in the case of hitting traffic like I did on my way back on this most recent trip, 7.5 hours before I was home.

        Fuck you traffic accident gawkers, fuck you so, so much.

        Okay, I’m up for Vegas again. Meet there?

        Your compliment still sounds backhanded. Hussy.

  19. haha, really funny post Becca! When we hit step 6 you we just KNOW it ain’t gonna end well — but we have to wait a few steps in great suspense in order to learn the fate of the chicken! Step 15 was also a highlight!

  20. Now I understand why I spent so much time retraining new cooks we hired.
    They all had B25TF Institute listed on their resumes.

    On the bright side, you can always tell this story to get out of cooking!

  21. UGH! I hate gross wet socks… But seriously, this may be why I saute the heck out of everything.I hate baking.

    Don’t worry you’ll get em next year (as well as the consoling male figure) :-)

  22. You poor thing. The mommy in me wants to make you some dinner!

  23. My cooking skills are about on the same scale, thanks for making me laugh after a long day, I needed it.
    Wayne

  24. Oh, Becca! Don’t forget to add drops of your blood to #4. Yes!

  25. I was once making gravy for a Thanksgiving meal and kept adding flour (back when I still ate wheat) to thicken it up, but it wasn’t working. No matter how much we put in, the damn gravy was still watery. Then we tasted it. Turns out we’d been putting in powdered sugar.

    Still, your meal sounds like it would have been a blast to be around.

  26. Oh Becca! I hate when my socks get sad! That sucks. But seriously, can you drink a gallon of castor oil to ward off the plastic intake corroding your insides? Sooner or later we are meeting for a drink and I need you healthy!

  27. You are awesome! I can relate to so much of this. We even had the sweet potato slop this year because of the wrong canned yams. Your dressing had to be way better than mine though because I never knew I was supposed to use sherry!

  28. We’re attempting a late Thanksgiving in Thailand on Friday–I imagine we’ll be eating chicken, hot sauce, and some sort of unidentifiable root veggie instead of mashed tatters. Good work, just have another drink and forget about it!

  29. Haha, this was hilarious! It made me queef.

    It reminded me of a joke we have down here, a recipe for Drunk Duck. It’s too long to translate but it involves stuff like:

    “Fill a longdrink glass with whisky,
    Drink the glass of whiskey while your preheating the oven.”

    And as the joke goes on you’re supposed to get more drunk… Anyway, it’s really funny.

    Exsqueeze me for boring you…

  30. It looked so promising in that first picture. Too bad it went down hill like that. I can see why you ate Wendy’s today too.

  31. As soon as you put the chicken in the oven, I felt the foreshadowing of melted chicken. And am sorry to say, went into gales of laughter as soon as you turned the oven on. It’s not really laughing at you, more laughing because I’d do most of the same things? =D

    Also, go for pizza. It’s neither chicken nor turkey related!

    • Just not pizza you pick up and bake yourself. I’d probably leave the plastic on and end up with a plasza. I am normally a wizard in the kitchen though, so I don’t know what happened last night.

      Laugh away! That’s why I shared this.

  32. Oh no!

    I was super-unreasonably-proud of my inherent adultness this year when I DIDN’T cut myself preparing potatoes (both sweet and regular varieties).

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