Invasion

I know everyone must think this, but bugs in general are out to get me specifically.  Bugs and frogs, but today we are just going to discuss the bugs. They know my name, what apartment I live in, and have a tracking system planted somewhere on my vehicle that I can’t locate. I guess that’s because a bug made locator device would be rather microscopic, but whatever. The point is that they are watching me. They are. The proof is in the battles.

Show Down #1:

I never roll my windows all the way down in my vehicle. I’m have long hair, and I bitch when the wind messes it up. There I said it. I am very much a girl. A small crack will always suffice when needing fresh air. Until they missile their way into my vehicle that is. They strategically wait to strike until they see that I have exceeded 50 mph. On the highway. In rush hour.

They know my attempts to halt swiftly and counter attack will be futile.  Their tactics are flawless. I have yet to determine how they train for such accuracy.

bad woman driver

What people assume I am doing when they see me swerving during an ambush.

Car trick

What I am actually trying to do.

Becca: 0 Bugs: 1

Show Down #2:

I recently and excitedly received a new office plant. It was extra special because it required about the same amount of care as a door stop. Unfortunately,  New Office Plant soon took a turn for the worse when it grew gnat babies. I, in turn, grew increasingly violent. May New Office Plant rest in peace.

Becca:1 Bugs:1 

Show Down # 3:

I arrived home Tuesday afternoon in a hurry to shower and meet a friend of mine for dinner. I frantically disrobed and turned the shower on when I heard the foreboding humming noise that, as you can see, I am all too familiar with. As I turned my gaze upwards, my eyes immediately darted to the most colossal fly I have ever dueled. I felt like Beetlejuice when he lures in that fly with a Zagnut bar. Only with naked screaming and throwing socks at my ceiling instead.

beetlejuice fly candy bar

Fuck everything about this.

Luckily, Jumping-Jack-the-supercat came to the rescue.

25tofly jack

The picture doesn’t do the fly justice. Seriously. I swear.

Then he shamelessly ate the fly in front of my face and sealed the deal by fervently licking his balls, which was seriously disappointing.

Becca: 1 Bugs:1 Jack: 3

MOVEMBER BANNER TEASER COMING SOON

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About Becca Cord

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on November 8, 2012, in Home, Humor, Silly and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 61 Comments.

  1. I suppose this makes up for him knocking your stuff onto the floor. Mighty Jack: Slayer of Bugs and Licker of Nut-sacks.

  2. You would absolutely HATE where I live. The area between the door and the side of my apartment has no less than 20 spiders hanging out at any given time. We just sort of duck and move past them, and they don’t seem to bother us.

  3. You’re so cool and attractive, even the insect kingdom wants to hang out with you! Nice job, Becca!

  4. Oh girl. Come to Thailand and I’ll show you bugs!

  5. Bugs…there sole purpose in life is to, well, bug people, I guess. We’ve got some ugly looking bugs over our way, not too mention the flies, man, so many you’d swear they’re going to carry you away…

    And I’ve had enough to do with spiders this week after crawling around under a friends house…Take care!

    • You are a brave dude for crawling under that house. I’d take one look and NOPE myself right out of there. Unsuspectingly running into a spider web runs a close second to running into an actual spider. Makes me cringe!

  6. I hate spiders with a passion. A small spider crawled out of my dashboard when I was taking my driving test. I almost killed all three of us.

    P.S. – I wish I had a fly battle cat.

  7. Nope. mosquitos are worse.

  8. No house centipedes? Those things run at lightening speed right at your throat. Be warned.

  9. DUDE. I have had three flies in my apartment for that many days. They are like the pets I never wanted. They are driving me insane. I actually saw two of them doing it today and when I went to swat them mid-copulation, they flew off still attached to one another! Horny, infuriating little bastards.

    • Bugs banging has to be the most skin crawling sight ever. I HATE love bugs for that very reason. Seriously, I loathe them from the pit of my very soul. And, for some reason, they always want to land on me while they are humping like my skin is their love mattress. NO NO NO NO NO!

  10. In the shower fly’s defense, maybe he was just really into you. “This is the day I’m gonna talk to her. I’ll pretend to meet in the shower and just really charm the hell out of her.”

    Poor fly.

  11. I drive with the windows all the way down – and have been stung by bees twice. You’d think I’d learn – but I love me some fresh air!

    Also, yay for Jack. I hope you gave him a reward :)

  12. I donut indestand. Your blog is called “25ToFly” and you DON’T like flies?

  13. This was so funny to me! I hate cats, but I love your cat! Damn straight he licked his balls; that’s what men do after they win a war! (Okay, men can’t lick their balls, but I think even human men would lick their balls after a triumph if they could!)

  14. Even seeing the word spi… nope can’t finish it. Sheeeesh!! And I swear the have meetings discussing ways to ambush me. Naked in shower is their favourite, followed closely by descending ninja-like from ceiling whilst I am busy typing and don’t notice until they are practically on top of me.
    Oh and they come out at night to have their wild arachnid parties and they always leave behind the ones who passed out on the couch, under the bed or in the bathtub.
    Bugs bad. Eight legged things – sheeesh

    • Funny and frightening at the same time. For some reason they attack me mostly in the car. It gets ridiculously dangerous. I have had almost five incidents this year. Second most frequent is definitely the shower. They obviously love water and Nissans.

  15. That’s what I do after I eat flies…

  16. I am thankful that I have my cat May. He always knows where the bugs are hiding well before I even realize they creeped their way into my apartment! All I hear are May’s cries, then see him do magical leaps across the room….BAMM! Bugs are dead, May has a well deserved snack.

    • They really are the best pets for this type of issue! I just find it perplexing that I can offer up every treat in the book, milk, tuna, soft food, bacon, turkey, you name it and Jack will practically run the opposite direction. Then he goes and eats something as revolting as a filthy fly like it is a snack from the gods. Although, I guess that kind of behavior is very typically representative of a cat’s personality towards everything.

  17. I always feel like turtles are out to get me. Whenever I see one, I run like hell.

  18. Wait’ll Le Clown sees this post.

    I don’t like bugs either, but the only ones that really make me scream big giant girlie screams are roaches and waterbugs/palmetto bugs. They have no place in a civilized society. I would have adopted your plant, though—I had one with gnat babies and I nailed all those little bastards. My plant is doing fine now, happily gnat free.

    • Feels good to see you back around, I could have used your expertise in the whole gnat department! I also have to whole heartedly agree with you on the roaches and waterbugs (although I heard somewhere that they eat June bugs which are also high up on my make-me-pee-my-pants scale of bug feardome).

  19. Becca, bugs don’t like singing. When you drive, wind your windows all the way down, and sing at the top of your voice – you will not see one bug! As an alternative, you could take your cat everywhere with you…

  20. You have my sympathy. I live in a huge old rambling building which is filled with both nuns and spiders. I can deal with the nuns, but the spiders don’t half make me freak!

    • See, spiders aren’t even that bad. Nuns on the other hand… ;)

      • Should I stop following you now then? ;-)

        There was quite a large spider on my corridor the other night and I now don’t know where it’s gone, which is slightly disturbing. (I say “quite a large spider”; the sisters who’ve been in Ghana, Zimbabwe, South Africa or Swaziland would tell me that it’s not that big compared to the ones they’ve met, which are the size of your hand.)

        • I am only kidding. Please don’t ever take my comments as anything but playful. I’d hate to seriously offend, or worse, lose someone I consider a “friend” as a follower.

          The bugs that disappear are the most haunting kind. It will stop me from sleeping if I lose a bug without killing it (forgive me Lord ;)).

          • I knew you were joking, hence the wink after my suggestion to stop following you (I was joking back you see… But it’s rather difficult to tell in text which is why emoticons are quite good, regardless of Le Clown’s opinion of them).

            I don’t offend all that easily, and I’m also reasonably unshockable (providing it’s just words – don’t take me to a horror film. I got really freaked out watching “Wallace & Gromit and the revenge of the were-rabbit” in the cinema and that was rated as either U or PG here in the UK).

            I’m dreading this spider turning up under my pillow, because I’m sure that’s where it’s going to surface. I knew I should have whacked it with a slipper as soon as I saw it…

          • I’ll do a little anti-spider ritual to ward them off your pillow. How about that?

          • Sounds good. Plus I’ll make sure I whack any I see with my slipper, then find a piece of paper or something with which to scoop them up and tip them out the window!

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