Beauty and The Becca

See what I did there? Did you see? Did you?

matted hair baby

I saved this picture as “matted baby”. I feel uneasy about that.

Let me preface this by saying I was inspired to write this post after reading Melanie Crutchfield’s How to Be Beautiful. If girls pooped I probably would have shat myself laughing when I read it. I’d award her with free underwear if that wasn’t a weird thing to do. If I hadn’t given up Photoshop so quickly because I sucked at it  my free Photoshop trial hadn’t expired, I too would use it to make my own funny image additions here on my blog.

My mother is and always was into fashion, beauty products, make-up, and stuff of similar categories. This is why I do not understand how I was so beauticiously challenged growing up. I don’t remember her ever teaching me how to do things like put on my make-up, shave my legs, or pluck my eyebrows. I don’t think this is because she didn’t want to or try to, I was just too stubborn to wait for her to decide that I was old enough. I can’t blame her. I know she just wanted to see me as young and innocent forever, but come on, I was walking around with so much blonde hair on my middle school gams that it looked like Cousin It was humping my leg.

Because of my impatience, and therefore, lack of instruction and proper guidance, I had one too many beauty fails as an awkward 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, and 16-year-old girl.

For starters, I was initially too afraid to shave using an actual razor, so I resorted to Nair. If you like to bathe in acid you should try it. Nair should be illegal.

Once I conquered my fear of the razor, I became adversely razor-happy and went on a razor binge. It started out innocently enough. You see, my hair is naturally curly (had you fooled didn’t I?). This means I had what I call whispies (also known as fly-aways) framing my face. I had a ton of them, and I wanted them gone. So, what did I do? I shaved my fucking hair-line. When that worked out dreadfully, of course I didn’t hesitate to moved on to my eyebrows. I am still trying to grow them back to their full volume to this day.

On another occasion, while attempting to give myself a “spa” treatment in the shower, I shampooed my hair for so long that it took my mom and two others an hour to brush out the matted mess that had become amassed on my head. I was the skipping CD of showering. I just kept lathering and lathering and lathering and lathering and lathering and lathering.

Among other beauty fails, there was the time I snuck to a friend’s house and dyed one lone strip of my hair completely black. I was blonde at the time. My mother finally chimed in on that one. Hello?! Obviously that was a cry for cosmetic help.

Please don’t let disasters like this happen to you or your children. Take action to inform yourselves. Read Melanie’s post, Google how-do-I-stop-lathering, hire Rue Paul. Do something. And, if you take nothing else away from this post, just remember: never take a razor to the face.

wolf boy

Unless you are Wolf Boy of course.

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About Becca Cord

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on October 24, 2012, in How I Knew, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 70 Comments.

  1. The worst bit I find with shaving legs and underarms is after you have done so, and got dry and got dressed, finding the bits you missed.

    I don’t think my mother really showed me much about makeup either, but then I wasn’t ever all that interested. She did tell me to pluck my eyebrows once, as my sister’s wedding was coming up (and the really annoying thing was I’d just done them the day before).

    Thank you for sharing your disasters. Makes me feel a bit better about mine!

  2. Ohhhh painful memories of not being allowed to shave in 7th grade when everyone else was. I finally took matters into my own hands but didn’t know how to do it so I shaved the front of my legs but not the back (but it’s all just about confidence anyway, right? right??)

  3. Oh man, it’s no wonder you are so hilarious…Sounds like you had some serious character-building going on in your younger years! I myself have used Nair in some not-recommended areas and it has not-surprisingly not worked out well for me…

  4. My mom, too, was a beauty fiend and yet I managed to don glasses, braces and arced bangs until yesterday at 3:25pm when I looked into a mirror for the first time. My mother has a cruel sense of humor.

    I laughed really hard at “matted baby.” And now I’m the one that feels uneasy.

    • Bangs… ouch. I tried that once too. The cowlick bang look was HOT. Seriously though, I’ve seen your about page. I think you turned out more than okay!

      I almost saved it as “matted hair baby” … which sounds like some ultra creepy baby figuring made of matted human hair.

  5. I shaved my legs with Nair once … they swelled like inflated hams….never ever do that….

    • Oh dear god. You poor thing. The only thing that could be worse is sliding down a razor blade into a pool of alcohol.

      • Ha ha – Nair is like acid – I hate that stuff. And I’m one of those people that is highly allergic to Nair and shaving my gorilla legs is always iffy. So putting both together was like a dream come true…

        My favorite is sliding the razor over your shin bone and getting half the skin in the razor.

        I’m appalled at all the time it takes just to keep my hair from overtaking my body – and I’m way too lazy to get anything waxed or taken care of in any kind of organized way…it’s hard being a girl.

  6. Laughing out loud here! I can’t believe you shaved your eyebrows :) I had a friend in high school who cut his eyelashes to see how long it would take for them to grow back. Just about forever…

  7. Youch! Is Nair that painful?!? Glad I never tried it. Thanks for the smile-inducing post!

  8. Hey, what can I say teenagers know everything right? AM I RIGHT? PLEASE? THEY KNOW EVERYTHING? I mean THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!

    On a serious note this was a good story to read as I myself have had a few run ins with cutting my own hair.

  9. Speaking of shaving the hairline, I once trimmed my, for lack of a better term, “side burns” too short and had to just shave them off. Even after that little hiccup, I cut my own hair. I know, shamefull. I just hate going to the stylist. I honestly don’t see how women enjoy forced conversation with a total stranger all the while you’re praying you don’t anger them thereby inspiring them to shave crudely drawn dicks into the back of your head. What? Just me?

  10. I love having my eyebrows trimmed at the barber….among other things.

  11. I really don’t know what to say about this other than you always give me an education. HF

  12. Oh, whatever. I took the clippers to my pubes once and didn’t pay attention around my balls. Boys, you know that spot where the line that separates your balls meets with your dick? Yeah, I took the clippers right to that area and before I could pull them back (realizing the guard only helps on flat surfaces) the clippers had gone *snick* and created a cut deep and samurai clean. No man should have to see the exposed flesh of his dick/ball area, ever. I nearly fainted.

    Nowadays I am EXTREMELY careful with the clippers around my junk. Thankfully for the girls I date, and in the interest of staying fresher longer, this experience somehow didn’t turn me off to cleaning up that area and I’ve not cut myself once since then.

    I can still remember the feeling of that cold steel slicing through…

  13. I never had many of these problems. I have had my eyebrows “done” before. That was weird. Bad thing is I probably need to do them again. I used to shave my wrist, where I wore my watch. I can’t imagine how ridiculous that would look now.

  14. The only things my mum taught me was what not to do. I did take a scissors to my hair once and spent my entire fourth year with an inverted V in my forehead

  15. You know my mother never taught me a thing either. I had to figure it all by myself, too. Well, I give you an A for effort back then. It’s looks like you’ve got it all figured out now. You look marvelous, darling!

  16. Luckily, Becca, I’ve never had any of those problems…

  17. You are my hero for shaving your hairline and living through it! I shaved my eyebrows once, don’t remember what I was thinking. And I think I even tried shaving my chin too. I was 4 maybe, I remember singing “not by the hair on my chiny chin chin” while trying to use my dad’s razor. Thank goodness for those plastic razor covers!

  18. “If girls pooped I probably would have shat myself laughing when I read it. ”
    I think I laughed so hard after reading this, I passed out!
    You really need to post a discliamer you crazy, hairy chick!

  19. I, too, gave Nair a try– I literally begged my mom to take me to the emrgency room it hurt so terrribly!

  20. LMAO! First of all, I’m glad you pointed out that girls don’t do any gross think like poop ;)

    But obviously you’ve learned how to do all of that cosmetic-y stuff now! (Or at least your picture seems to make it appear so – and since you stated your photoshopping skills… um… “expired” it obviously can’t be photoshopped!)

    And don’t worry – you’re not the only one who had cosmetic troubles as a kid. My mom took the opposite approach and let me practice on her face.
    I don’t think that was necessarily the greatest idea either…

    Or there was a time I got gak (gack?) stuck in my hair (you remember that stuff??). I decided to fix the problem myself and just cut the whole chunk off… oops.

  21. Yeah, I once shaved off my eyebrows. May have been drunk. Or stupid.
    Or both.

    Probably both…

  22. Hilarious!! I think many of us have times when we weren’t at our beautiful best. Gotta say, the hairline shaving is new. Never heard of that before.

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