The Man Huntress Revealed

Since I have been trying to keep track of The Attractive Male from 301 and failing, I called in some help from the The Man Huntress. I have been referring to this character since last week, and she is someone you may already know. Better known as Miss Four Eyes, I am sure she can tell you how the search went better than I can. I’ll let her take it from here:

Becca called me in to track down The Attractive Male from 301. This was, of course, on number one priority for me considering that he is not only attractive, but I hear that he showers at least once in a week. There has been a slight shortage of the species given the economic conditions. I knew it would be difficult to locate him, but I’m a professional; they don’t call me The Man Huntress for nothing.

Man Huntress

So first things first, I circulated a petition to bring The Attractive Male from 301 back to the gym, just like I promised Becca I would. I may have said something about being able to ogle at his nice rear-end while working out, because every single woman in the building signed it. We rallied up outside Becca’s building with our signs and megaphones and wore out our voices screaming all day.

I suppose in hindsight we should’ve gotten his actual name first. It is entirely possible that he does not go by The Attractive Male from 301 on a regular basis. By the end of it we had around 300 people with us. Okay, so some of them were feminist activists, and they were screaming “Stop Male from 301!” because they found a letter he sent to some woman threatening to take her to the police. There were also some things about handcuffs and spanking. And the PETA guys were waiting to throw paint at him for no reason other than because Mrs. Mink Coat, who they were originally waiting for, never got out of her house.

Protest/Petition

We rallied all day and night. Nothing. Either he never stepped out of the building or was conveniently staying away. I searched the whole building desperately knocking at every door to ask them if they’d seen The Attractive Male from 301. None of them had any recollection of ever seeing him in the building. Was it possible that 301 didn’t actually live in the building and was just pretending to live here for the free gym membership? Only crazy people do things like that, right?

Giving up, I went back to Becca’s place. She wasn’t there, so I just wandered the in hall thinking about death. I started to think that this was all just a cruel game that Becca devised to finally drive me completely insane. She lured me in with talks of attractive men and nice bottoms, and it was working! I sat on 301’s doormat weeping. He had one of those patterned welcome mats outside, the kind that hurt your feet if you step on them barefooted. It was not comfortable. Suddenly, the door swung open and I fell backward. I was staring at two perfect knees covered by red velvet pants. Yes, knees can be perfect. If you have to ask, then you don’t have them. I’m sorry.

“Santa?” I looked up to find perplexed, but beautiful blue eyes looking back at me. I wondered if it was possible to suffer a concussion after falling 12 inches.

“Wha- YOU again?!”

It was him! It was Mr. Glasses Perched on Sharp Nose! I found him at a cafe once reading Fifty Shades of Grey because his crazy boss asked him to, and I’ve been stalking keeping tabs on him ever since.

“Get out of my house! I told you, I’m not into hardcore S&M! GO AWAY!!”

I got up to my feet “But…but…”

“No! I’ve told you enough times already! I am NOT going to spank you, ok?! I told you that day at the café, and I told you all the way back to my car that I will not spank you! Do I make myself clear?”

He was glaring at me through his glasses. His gorgeous face was turning a funny color as if he was going to explode, kind of like when you shake a bottle of grape soda too much and the bottle erupts into grape flavored deliciousness.

“WHAT!? What do you want, huh? See this place?” he waved his hands around indicating his living room “This is what a regular person’s house looks like! I do not have a sex swing, and I do not have a spanking bench!”

So I may have asked some things about his apartment. Everyone does that. It’s only polite.  “But you were reading that book! So you’re either an S&M enthusiast or you must really like bad literature. Please don’t tell me it’s the second one!”

“I need this stupid job.” He pointed to his velvet pants, “Why would I wear these if I didn’t need this job?! I told my boss that Christian and Ana were murdered by their neighbors during a foursome so he made me wear these pants and walk around the whole damned city!”

“That’s all? What happened then?” They may not have hung from his hips in that way, but they were pretty tight, and I was sure that women all over the city appreciated his, erm, knees.

“What happened?! You’re asking me what happened? You came here, dressed in that with those,” he pointed, quite rudely might I add, to my can-can dress and man huntress glasses. “You look ridiculous, and you ask me about my pants?!”

Can-can

What? I was under cover!
I was going for a sort of “I just came from France” vibe. Mais non?

“STOP stalking me!” he was about to slam the door in my face, but I jammed my foot in the door  to stop him

“No, I wasn’t stalking you…….not this time, at least.”

“Oh suuuuure! I believe you. Why wouldn’t I believe you? I haven’t gotten piles of letters from you or anything.” He picked up a garbage bag near the door and tossed it to my feet. Inside were all those handwritten letters I had signed with kisses of my pheromone lipstick.

“You kept them!” I was so happy I was about to cry.

“I kept them for evidence!” He screamed at me. I thought he sounded like a girl when he screamed. Nevertheless, he was such a handsome girl. “I’m getting a restraining order against you!”

“What? No!” His words stung. I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. I sunk back onto his uncomfortable door mat and gave myself to huge, chest wrenching sobs*. “Why?! Why are you doing this?!” I wailed. I couldn’t handle it anymore. Huge chest wrenching sobs* weren’t going to do it for me, so I spread out on my stomach and began to pound my fists and legs on the ground like a frustrated toddler. A very large toddler in a frilly can-can dress, that is. “Why, why, WHY?!”

He was completely taken aback. He took a few steps towards me. I could smell his toes. His feet smelled so nice.

“I…I…. don’t cry.” He bent down next to me and stroked my hair.

For a moment I leaned into his hand.  Then I took the chance to pounce on him like Becca ordered. I grabbed the hand he’d messed up my hair with and twisted it until he was face down on that dreadful mat. That should leave a nice impression.

“I must say, those pants are awful! Shall we get rid of them?” I asked lightly pinching one of his cheeks. .

“Mmhwwmwbb” his voice was muffled from the feather boa I stuffed into his mouth.

“Don’t flatter yourself, sweetheart, I have no interest in anything down there. This is all for Becca.” I whispered in his ear with my husky-sexy voice.

“But this,” I tore the absurd amount of frills off my can-can dress and tied him up in all of the fabric “is for me.” It is surprising how much fabric one dress can hold. Better than rope I say.

Girl Scout

Never call my glasses ridiculous.

“The lovely feminist ladies are still outside,” I said flipping him over “they have that horrid letter you sent me. I only asked for a little pat on my bottom. I suppose it may not be as nice as yours, but you didn’t have to threaten to take me to the police.” He tried to wriggle free, but it was no use. Girl Scouts know their rope tricks.

“I’m not a freak, you know. You are.” I said unzipping my emergency duffle bag.

*Starred phrase is copyrighted and entirely overused by E.L. James, author of Fifty Shades of Grey.

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About MissFourEyes

Seeing twice as much doesn't count as a super power.

Posted on October 23, 2012, in Adventures, Humor, Silly and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 73 Comments.

  1. Now this is good writing! And yes, Girl Guides do indeed know their knots! Comes in very handy at times.

  2. I loved this! Very, very funny and, I hope, it was all completely true…. ;)

  3. Becca you and Miss Four Eyes in one blog post was a little much for me. Too much funny in such a small space.
    Jk I loved it.

  4. So, Becca, the Man Huntress is some kind of bounty hunting superhero who can get her and your man! I knew she was something like that all along! Fun post! :D

  5. “I am NOT going to spank you, ok?!” If I had a quarter for every time I had to shout that at a stranger…

    Entertaining piece and now I’ll head over to read more about Miss Four Eyes!

  6. Becca, you really know who to call. She went to the mat for you, literally. That was a funny, sexy romp.

  7. Thank you for the really entertaining reading, really good!
    I loved it and what I loved the most is that it helped me kill 20 minutes of work.

  8. Mucho, goodo, kiddo! HF

  9. I think I pulled something while laughing at this latest adventure! Seriously, I’m hurt; you chick are too funny!
    The scary thing is, a lot of guys are going to be turned on by this tale!

  10. If this is the kind of thing that goes on in Louisiana, I`m packing my bags right now. Forget Canada and all its happeningness! Also, Hades-like temperature appeals to me often.

    If only I had a man huntress. Maybe I could be one. I have the glasses for it.

  11. So, did 301 survive? Did he go back to the gym? Did you truss him up for Becca and lock him in her closet? What happens next?

  12. 10 out of 10 for hiring someone who could do the job, Becca, but wasn’t she supposed to get him for you, and not scare him into leaving the country?
    When he gets free, I mean…

    And saying “the Huntress always gets her man” somehow doesn’t seem to quite cover it…

  13. Once you’re done with 301 guy perhaps you want to give Douchey Grey the same treatment. Tie him up with frills and see how he likes it.
    And on a different note has 301 guy gone back to the gym? Will Becca have some butt candy whilst she’s training? Does the gym hate Becca? The plot thickens. So exciting. Who needs E L James when all this is going on

    • I wish Grey was real so I could go all Man Huntress on his ass! But that would mean that Ana is real too, and a world where spineless women like Ana Steele exist is just wrong.
      301 is now Becca’s to do with as she pleases. I suggested that she give out one day passes for women of the gym to ogle at his nice butt, figure she might as well make some extra money out of it. But last I saw he was tied up in the middle of her living room with lots of candles and rubber ducks. She wouldn’t tell me what she was up to though

    • See my reply to Guap’s comment to find out what really happened to 301 throughout all of this.

      I don’t know when my next encounter with 301 will be, and the jury is still out on whether or not my gym hates me. I am sure there will be more to come. Butt candy sounds gross :).

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