Marriage and Babies and Love Oh My!

anti marriage

Look at that thing. What an eyesore.

I have determined that I am missing the get-married-and-have-babies gene. While other girls were fantasizing about veils and vows, I was seeing how many objects I could sling from my ceiling fan. Or, I was possibly making my stuffed animals bungee jump from the stairwell balcony. I was creative like that. Here are some other conclusions that lead me to this revelation about myself:

- When someone tries to pass me a baby, I lose all knowledge of how to use my arms.

- I usually don’t know what to say around babies so I just keep repeating, “Aw” and “He’s adorable”. That’s usually when they tell  me it is a girl.

- Veil? More like fail.

- I think wedding dresses are ugly. I’m a monster, I know.

- When they showed us a video of a human giving birth in Biology 101, I burned down the entire building. So much for becoming a doctor.

- I’d rather buy myself a diamond ring and call it a day.

- I get self-conscious simply walking down the grocery store aisle with no one even around. Me? In a wedding? Talk about Run Away Bride part two.

- I got talked into baby sitting one time. Somehow the kid ended up playing with a knife. I think that speaks for itself.

- I threw a baby bird egg on the cement once just to see what would happen. Not a good sign.

- If I marry some dude I think I run the risk of him stealing my long johns. That’s not happening.

- Don’t cats try to kill babies? I have two cats. Do the math.

- If I marry I will surely divorce. That means someone gets half of my stuff. This blog is part of that stuff. My blog would then turn into 25T or oFly. That’s just ridiculous.

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About becca3416

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on October 15, 2012, in How I Knew, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 104 Comments.

  1. I don’t have the baby gene either. That’s why my girlfriend will be the one to carry the monster and not me. I’m always waiting for babies eyes to blacken over and fangs to pop out of their smooth gums before they lurch at me. That’s why I’ve only ever held two babies. Not because I’m nervous I’m going to drop it. Because I like living!

  2. I feel like you just posted about my life. I’m all for *other people’s* marriages, babies, whatever. But I am not about popping anything out or sharing 1/2 my stuff anytime soon. Call it being selfish, or what have you, but yeesh. What’s with everyone rushing into it? I’m in my twenties! These aren’t the colonial days where we all get dysentery and pass away by 30, so we have to get all of that out of the way asap. Can’t I spend my discretionary income on shoes, traveling, and unnecessary bake ware if I want to? /vent sesh.

  3. Does anyone ever comment on their own post to get it to an even number? No, well you can go eat a raw onion. This is my first post to reach 100 comments. Worth it!

  4. Buy yourself that ring…no boy would pick out one you love anyway!

  5. I love my kids. All three of them. They are each 3 1/2 years apart, because it took me that long to develop enough “baby amnesia” to entertain the thought of dealing with another infant. Even now, I avoid holding babies at all cost.

    And while I’m happy to have my children, I can also imagine that I would have led a wonderfully rich and fulfilling life as a childless woman. (Come to think of it, every second week, when the boys go to their dad’s, I do lead a fulfilling child-free life!)

  6. There are seriously positive things to not getting married and having kids (or having kids and getting married as a number of folks do these days).
    1. No getting up for night feeds unless you’ve been out and have the munchies yourself
    2. No temper tantrums in supermarkets
    3. You get to keep the bed to yourself.
    4. Likewise the duvet/other bedding
    5. No arguing over what to watch on telly
    6. No having to clear up after someone else’s mess
    7. No potty training (I would say “no unexpected messes on the floor” but you have cats and cats are pretty good at missing litter boxes, spreading the contents of litter boxes around and of vomiting/coughing up a fur ball in the most inconvenient place for bare feet first thing in the morning)
    8. No-one to stop you staying up online all night if you want to on a Friday

    I could probably continue in this vein for a while… I love my nieces and nephew, but I definitely have no desire to have kids of my own, and relationships have always been all about what the bloke wants and when I try to assert myself, they’ve thrown a strop. So being celibate is definitely better for my sanity!

    • All true things. Especially number 7, my gosh! Thanks for that funny list. Hope to see you back here miss!

      • I thought no. 7 would amuse! I used to have a cat so have experienced all of this. Including the delightful creature barfing down the back of the radiator. (She went to a friend in July last year when I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep her due to joining the community.)

        I’ve not joined due to lack of success with men, I hasten to add! And I’ll be around…

  7. You’d make like the perfect wife for an old geezer who just needs you to make him dinner, who also doesn’t want you to touch his wang because hes too busy looking at his stamp collection.

  8. Ha ha – I can relate. I have kid (whom I love) but I didn’t grow up wanting to ‘get married and have babies’ – I really only wanted to name things – luckily I had various pets with names that no-one would have been down with me naming a human being :)

    If you end up losing half your stuff one day – you could always go with 12.5tfy

    • You an Rich must be on the same brainwave today.

      That is too funny about the names. I tend to name pets human names, so I am not sure what that says about me. Maybe I am content with pretending my cats are my children? Oh god… did I just type that out loud? ;)

      • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

        Ha ha – I had a series of Beta fish so I could name the ‘hims’ Vyvyan after Vyvyan Bastard on The Young Ones…no one wanted me to name a male child Vyvyan – jerks…

        I am also fond of the name Llewellyn – so of course that was my cat’s name (a male)…another one that was 86’d …luckily our kid got Dorian.

        I’m on someone’s brainwave? Awesome – tell them to get the smarts so I don’t have to try.

        • You are! He is busy doing his times tables right now, so I’d say you are covered.

          I like the name Dorian! My cats names are Jack and Ace. Pretty standard, but at least they are poker themed ;).

          • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

            Ha ha – are you a poker player? I’m the worst player EV-AH…I ain’t got no poker face …but I can play a mean game of Scrabble!

            Excellent cat names

          • I have to keep myself away from video poker games or I’ll go flat broke. So, I guess that answers your question. Scrabble is where it’s at!

          • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

            Hee hee…you’re my kind o’gal

  9. I don’t have the get-married-and-have-babies gene either. Why (WHY?!) would I want to make little people and have them come out from inside me?! No thank you. I think I would like to have many nieces and nephews though. But only because I can teach them to work a sling so that they can transport tiny items from the parking lot all the way to their rooms :D

    • I hear you girl! I imagine child birth as a remake of that famous scene from Alien where the creature bursts out of that guys rib cage!

      I am all for keeping it in the family. While kids in general make me nervous, I am oppositely (and I may be contradicting myself here a bit) excited about being a godmother to my best friends little girl who is due next month I plan to go for the whole “cool aunt Becca” thing. I think that is really the extent of it though. She is a special case, so don’t go off gathering babies for me to swaddle just yet.

  10. Ha! Babies are pretty vicious and if you’re not careful you’ll have two at once. You were right to burn down that building just in case. Just keep an eye out for that latent baby/wedding gene that sometimes springs to life in your 30’s. Have a bottle of rye on hand at all times just in case.

    • Oh man. Two at once? No. No, no, no, no, no.

      You are right about being prepared though. It is always possible I may shock myself with a change of heart (all be it a slim chance). But, honestly I would see myself adopting before ever birthing a child in that case. The idea of it all just haunts me ha!

  11. two things:

    1. i did the math. have three kids and you’re good. actually, cats don’t try to kill babies. they try to protect their necks by sleeping across the kid’s neck when the kid is asleep. fatter cats accidentally smother the kid.

    2. if you divorced, you’d each get 12.5 to fly. i did the math.

  12. I agree with all you said (especially about the baby movie – I think I ran out of the room crying and screaming, “YOU’LL NEVER TOUCH MY VA-JAY-JAY!!”).

    I agree with everything, except…

    Wedding dresses – UGLY???? *sob* Ugly??? Oh dear, I don’t think you and Randy from “Say Yes to the Dress” will ever be bffs, which just makes me sad…

    • Why would they ever show anyone that video, right?! It’s like, are you TRYING to end the population? I wore a chastity belt for YEARS after that viewing ;).

      Keep in mind some things on this blog are a bit exaggerated. I am sure there are a few dresses that I would find pretty, but they probably wouldn’t look much like a typical “wedding” gown, if at all. I HATE those big puffy bottomed dresses and pretty much anything with beading.

      • Oh man, you should TOTALLY watch SYTTD – I’m sure you’d see a dress you’d like ^.^

        • I don’t know Jillian…. I just don’t know. I promise to let you know if I ever happen to accidentally watch, because I can’t say I will watch on purpose :).

          • Oh don’t worry, it’s on pretty much 22/7 (there’s generally a couple hours that might sneak by without it). I’m sure you’ll catch it sometime ^.^

  13. Babies are extremely awkward. When we first brought ours home from the hospital, I kept asking her if I could get her a drink or if she was comfortable or whatever and all she did was cry. What a social weirdo.

  14. Oh damn, Becca. You so snarky and funny. I hope that you’ll be on the Discovery Channel Snark Week next year :D

  15. I too do not have the baby gene. I have enough of a marriage gene to have gotten married, but even so, I would have preferred to elope and go to Vegas instead of the full-on wedding deal we ended up having. I always have problems dealing with my friends who have kids because invariably they say “Want to hold him?” and hold the kid out hopefully. No, I don’t. Just because I’m female doesn’t mean I’m maternal that way, I can’t call a lot of my friends either because either the kids will answer the phone, or my friends will say “Talk to So-and-So!” I don’t want to talk to So-and-So, please don’t make me.

    So good on you, lady. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

    • I am really feeling better about it after reading all of the comments. I thought I was surely a heartless baby resistant mutant ;). Also, I am SO with you on the phone thing. What am I going to converse about with your 3 year old?! I called to talk to an adult please and thank you.

  16. Change My Body...Change My Life

    You sound perfectly normal to me.

  17. contrarybaroness

    And isn’t it just awesome when nosy relatives, well-meaning friends, and barely-tolerated acquaintances keep asking you when you’re going to get married and/or have kids? The only thing better is when they all think you’re destined for childless spinsterhood because you haven’t gotten there, yet. I’m not missing the marriage/children gene entirely, but mine is certainly late-activating. In the town I’m originally from, that alone makes me an object of pity and doubts regarding my sexual orientation. Once, my mom was having lunch with my aunt and mentioned the possibility of me having kids one day, and my aunt (who dropped out of high school with only a year to go, got married, and had a kid right away) said “Do you really think she’s ever going to have kids?” To which my ever-delightful maternal unit responded, “The f#$% is wrong with you?”

    • Ugh! Yes! Exactly. I am a strong believer in the idea that everyone should do what is best for them, makes them happy, etc. But that doesn’t mean it will be the same for each individual, so stop with the theatrics people! It’s like, so I don’t want kids..big deal… I won’t pester you if you want to pop out 15 so please give me the same courtesy!

  18. I’m not surprised you’ve chosen to forego the traditional role that society has chosen for your gender, Becca; I’d be disappointed by any other choice from you.
    It’s too bad though, you’de make a kick-ass mom! Your kids would be running around in long underwear, eating tacos for breakfast and ice cream floats for dinner.
    And you’d be an unconventional wife, but that’s a great thing! You share many cool qualities with my wife; you’re the kind of gal – and I mean this in a respectful way – that a man wants at his bedside when he’s sick – and IN his bed when he’s not…

    • That is the nicest thing I have ever heard! Seriously, you made my day. But, how did you know I eat tacos for breakfast? *checks for webcam hack*. Just kidding!

      I have nothing against those traditional roles other than they just aren’t for me (at this point). I hope to one day find a guy that will “get me” in that sense. I am very much for long term committed relationships… just minus the paper :).

  19. Love this post. I obviously have babies on the brain and that’s the life I want. But I am not one of those people who think that everyone has to want what I want. You live your life for you. And I promise that when my baby does come along I will never ask you to hold him

    • Haha! Deal. You are just like my best friend who is having her baby next month. She had problems for the longest time and now is finally getting her wish. I couldn’t be more happy for her. I ‘ll just need her to teach me to not be so awkward with he when the baby girl gets here ;).

  20. I’m exactly the same with babies. I don’t speak much sense to adults as it is, but when a baby is around well… what can I say???

  21. I agree with you on this one…my family and friends still hope that one day I will be stop being me and want all these things-I told them to hold their breath and lets see who changes their mind first. Great post!

    • Thanks ma’am. I get the same reaction from people at work. They all seem to feel sorry for me because I don’t have/want these things. Maybe one day I will, but there is so much more to life than tying the knot and getting knocked up! :)

      • You, are most welcome! I agree…my female co-workers actually tease me daily about when will they become an aunt…and I’m like when your sister has another one! Like you said, maybe one day, but we have lots more living to do right now before that decision happen.

  22. Okay sweetheart, I won’t try to make babies with you…
    or dress you in a long white gown
    nor will I dance under your ceiling fan.
    I get the message; you don’t like babies…
    don’t care for them much myself
    but do you like whisky; do you have any use for a man?
    Do you purr when they stroke you
    Or would you much rather be a nun?

    • A lot of questions there! To say I love whiskey is an understatement. It is my favorite drink.

      I have plenty of uses for men. In fact, most of my friends are just that… men. I also date men from time to time.

      I do purr, you caught me.

      I would probably not be accepted into a nunnery even if I wanted to join. Good thing I don’t want to be a nun.

  23. yay – someone else who thinks wedding dresses are ugly!

  24. I’m with you on babies.
    but I’d still read O’Fly.

  25. oh oh, Becca!! My stomach hurts from laughing. I say enjoy your life! If you ever want to have a baby or husband, it will be because you want to.

  26. You scary lady. Just kidding. Funny stuff, B.

  27. You and my wife should hang out, you’re practically the same person. I love it.

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