Cordial Holiday Meals With The Cords

mad thanksgiving cat

I am the savage one. You might want to check your yams for cat-eye crust.

Well, well, well. It looks like Blogger Idol is allowing us peons to play along from the loser’s bench. I sound a little sour, but truth be told I think it is a great idea. I also like the challenge of having a topic provided for me to write about. The topic for this week is Family Traditions. You might need a cocktail for this one.

The holiday season is inevitably rushing towards us. I have to keep reminding myself of this, because in Louisiana it feels like summer throughout the entirety of this thing they call “fall”. I am not quite sure what that word means. The first in the string of holiday festivities for my family is Thanksgiving which then leads straight on into Christmas and ends with New Years. I know you are grateful for that uncommon knowledge I just provided.

I present to you a play-by-play of all three holiday dinners in my household, as they are all identical if you swap a ham for a turkey in December. The predictable behavior that repeats year by year is the tradition in itself. Your play-by-play stars myself, my mother, my father, and my brother. Action!

It is approaching noon, and I am the last one to arise from the quick sand that is the mattress on my bed in my parents house. There is such a thing as too soft (YEAH!). I say my parents house, because I never actually lived there. Built my senior year of high school, it conveniently did not come to fruition until I was permanently transplanted to a city three hours away.

In the kitchen, Mom is halfheartedly cooking as I join in to make the only dish I have delegation over. The salad. This is usually when I start discreetly drinking white wine. I don’t drink white wine, but it is the only thing my mother has opened at this point in the morning (strictly to use in the stuffing) so I take one for the team. The team being me and my liver.

Now, it is my brother’s cue to start asking when the food will be ready every ten minutes in the whiniest of ten-year old voices. He is twenty-eight. Oh, and all the while he is likely consuming something in its raw form. I think he dreams of flirting with salmonella poisoning.

Oh god. Here comes dad with the camera. My mother, brother, and I all squirm to escape the wrath of his lens, but to no avail. An absurd number of snapshots are collected capturing nothing but eye rolls, unflattering posture, and outward facing palms . To this day I will never understand the sadistic pleasure my father gets from this ritual.

After cooking preparation is complete, and I’ve successfully made everyone believe I’ve only had one glass of wine instead of three, we sit to eat.

I look over to find Mom feeding it (the cat) pieces of turkey and speaking to it in a cringe worthy tone. It is a crusty faced excuse for a cat that looks identical to the nightmare inducing creature in the photo at the beginning of this post. My brother condescendingly refers to it as “the savage one”

Ding ding ding! It’s time for the opening arguments. Literally. In the main ring we have Brother vs. Mom, the heavyweight bickering champions for twenty years and counting. Please also welcome your refs, Becca and Dad, the biggest pushovers of the entire Cord clan. It’s a long battle, but with one mean right hook from brother and it’s all over. It is clear to the refs by her deafening silence and coldly folded arms that Mom is out for the count.

My mother sits at the table alone long after the rest of us disperse to continue feeding and fondling the savage one. Dad collapses to the floor in a coma (why he doesn’t use a bed, a sofa, or even a chair is also an inexplicable phenomenon). Brother disappears in a blur immediately fleeing to his friend’s house to escape the scowls from Mom as she pouts in defeat.

After my secretly fourth glass of wine, I too retreat and succumb once again to the venus bed trap.

becca cord signature

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About Becca Cord

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on September 24, 2012, in Home, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 52 Comments.

  1. Oh man, I loved this. I think that if there isn’t a knockdown drag out argument, then it wasn’t a proper family dinner. My brother is famous for starting fights and then claiming “it was just a friendly family debate.” Yeah right.

  2. Sounds like your garden variety, South Louisiana holiday to me. ;-)

  3. I was a only child growing up so it was always a toss up to see who was going to pass out first during the holidays. The nice thing (back then…sober now) was I always managed to find something that made the holidays a little more bearable for myself. On the more serious side (like that wasn’t serious enough and the memories that cmme flooding back…) I love your post and the tagline “You might need a cocktail for this one” Very memorable and fun!

    Aaron

  4. I love your take on the prompt! Very clever and original.

  5. Ask any of my friends and they’ll say I share the same sadistic picture-taking pleasure as your dad. To them I say that in those 500 photos are a couple really good ones. So in the end – everyone is happy. right? Right??

    • Have you secretly been plotting with my father? I am going to develop some sort of flash resistance… or… or something. Haha! Pictures really are not that bad, but my father completely lacks the ability to take a normal one.

  6. Hilarious. I would love to see a partial transcript of one of your mom and brother’s famed debates.

  7. Becca,
    You’ll have to forgive my off-topic comment… I clicked on your Gravatar from my wife’s blog (Laments and Lullabies) and you’ve been rather active on my blog… And holy shit fuck, I thought you and I were already best blog buds… But no! I wasn’t even following you, which basically makes me a douche. But here I am. And to stay I will. Can I pull up a chair and take a permanent place?
    Le Clown

    • When I saw that notification, I was kind of confused myself. I thought we already mutually followed each other. When I realized my mistake I thought, “What a douche!”. Then, when I read your actual comment I retracted that thought. Pick a chair, any chair. They are mostly all bean bags. Oh, and THAT’S your wife? Well that’s just too fucking adorable.

  8. Haha… throw me in as the guy snapping photos. I mean everything in life happens to be a photo op, even though we will never see the photos again. I could picture myself in that kitchen, or better yet I am the guy, when not taking pictures is sitting getting wasted on some recliner somewhere. My official Blogger Idol judge line is that I truly did get a feel for who you are in this post.

    • It means a lot to me that you took the time to leave me some feedback. Thank you. You should invest in one of those recliners that has a built in ice chest in the arm. Although, I would also be wary of such a thing. You may never get up to take another embarrassing picture again!

  9. Ha! Blog Idol’s loss to not have you in the running this year!
    I am not a fan of the holiday meal family gatherings at all, myself…Mostly, I just smile and keep my mouth shut.

  10. Nice blog, I love that you’re unique!

  11. Constructive criticism? Not happening. I loved everything about your post…especially the expression on the cat’s face.

  12. 9 months until take off? Where’s that to?

    • As my tag line says, the destination is unknown. My goal is to try to move away from Louisiana for the first time in my life by the time I am 25, which will be in July of next year. We shall see!

      • Got any posts on the topic? I’d be interested to see what you are considering as places to move.

        • Well, I’ve visited rural and urban parts of Massachusttes this year and also a beach in
          New Hampshire
          but I would really love to visit the west coast as well before I make a decision. I have been ALL over Louisiana and the south (TX, MS, AL,AK,FL,GA) so I am dying to experience a totally different culture.

          Honestly though, my main concern is just moving wherever I can find a job in writing and/or social media marketing. That is what I dream of doing, and I don’t want to limit myself by staying in the small town I am in now. Luckily I am young and have no obligation to anyone but myself, so I want to take full advantage of that.

          I have other posts on how I plan to make my move assuming it will be far far away, I am sure you can find them under travel in my category cloud in the side bar :).

  13. Fellow South Louisianian here. This sounded just like holidays in my house. You mean everyone doesn’t experience this?

  14. poor misunderstood cat. sounds like drinking wine is the smart way to go. a quirky, funny post. I enjoyed reading it.

  15. “The topic for this week is Family Traditions. You might need a cocktail for this one.”
    Hilarious line, Becca!
    Awesome pic and great post! Thanks again for helping me out with my e-mail campaign…

  16. My hair sometimes looks like that cat in the picture, Becca, and I’m pretty sure my face does too when I see food in front of me when I’m hungry… it’s all mine!
    We don’t have Thanksgiving here in the UK, well, I don’t think we do anyway, so it’s just Christmas and New Year. With the food. And hair at times…

    • Get my hair anywhere near moisture and it looks like that too. The food thing is happening as I type. I am staring at a pizza that is all mine and I have never been happier.

  17. Hahaha that cat. This sounds a lot like my family on occasion. My dad says the floor is for his back, fyi.

    • Now that you mention it, I think my dad does claim the back thing too. I don’t get it though. He looks so … uncomfortable and pathetic laying down there snoring his face off. It’s got to be cold too, because we have no carpet.

  18. I love the picture (and the post) and I can’t even stand cats.

    • Terry, it is blasphemous to say things like that about cats on the internet. Don’t you know they are the ones who control it? But seriously, thanks for reading and taking the time to comment! Glad you enjoyed the post.

  19. Ahhh memories. Good times. Good post!! Thanks.

    Teri
    Snarkfest

  20. Lol “It” nice post :D I dodge from the camera lens as well except that is when it is focused on another person in our family I feel the urge to jump in front of it and make odd faces… that’s just me… issues lol.

  21. I have attended a few of these – the characters change a little – the outcome has been the same – our last three or four have not carried on this tradition–i am hoping it is dead forever

  22. Fall = rain all the time, mushy leaves ruining your footwear and bad hair days :-) Ain’t missing much! P.S. Four glasses of wine? Lightweight :-)

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