Some Firsts to Forget

My Girl movie kiss picture

Along with being behind on writing this past week, I also haven’t been able to read my favorite blogs. I finally got to catch up on some this morning in between work. Finding myself a bit troubled by my seemingly idea-less mind lately, I decided to take some inspiration from a Five Forks blog post today. It has been a decent amount of time since I thought about some of my firsts. Lets see…

First Kiss
It was the Summer between 8th and 9th grade. His name was Sal. Nah, Sal was so not his real name, but I think Sal sounds cool, his real name did start with an S, and it reminds me of one of my favorite childhood books, Blueberry’s for Sal. We had been “going out” (aka chatting on AIM) for about two weeks. Jazzy and I had convinced our parents to allow us an unsupervised gallivant  to the movie theater. Of course, we were not old enough to drive yet, so Dad had to drop us off. Super cool.

The first hour of the flick consisted of playing musical armrests, and when it was my turn, making sure to position my hand palm side up and open in order to make it easier for him to hold my hand if he would so choose. I couldn’t even begin to tell you which movie it was that we went to see, but I do know it was an action movie … ba dun tsss. There, in the climactic scene of the movie, I found my personal bubble shattered with what felt like warm jello all over my mouth. There was no warning. It was not magical. I did not see fireworks. We stopped “going out” soon there after. I don’t care what anyone says, there is no way any first kiss can be the best kiss of your life. You feel terrified, inexperienced, and in my case, awkwardly pinned against a movie theater seat in front of approximately 150 strangers (minus my best friend). I felt as if my dad could see it written all over my color drained face when he picked us up.

First Time I Drank
Yet again, Jazzy and I were partners in crime on this one. It was high school. Jazzy dated an upperclassman who had parties. You see where this is going. We had no clue what to request as our choice alcoholic beverage for our very first party, but we did know we both enjoyed the occasional lemonade. The result of this conclusion was a six-pack of Doc’s (no, not Mike’s) Hard Lemonade. Must have been an off-brand. So hardcore, right? Three delicately spiked lemonades later, I was sitting on a porch swing smoking a cigarette (because that totally made my 15-year-old baby face look mature and sophisticated) and slurring out warnings for the guys standing around not to try to take advantage of me or it wouldn’t end pretty. I was saying this to every male in the vicinity, none of which were even paying me attention let alone trying to hit on me in my drunken state. I was basically talking to myself. I do not remember much else. Where is that Men in Black memory eraser thingy when you need it?

Five Forks addresses the first time a girl touches his unmentionables while dancing in his funny firsts file. I’m pretty sure this one does not apply to me, so…

First Time I Knee Boarded 
Too add to the awkwardness of this particular story, it was actually a first real date with probably one of the most attractive guys I have ever met. We headed to the lake to do some boating and knee boarding. First we tore down the top to his red Jeep wrangler and hopped in to hit the highway. With his dog in tow in the back, we were gleefully bouncing up and down the road; him enjoying the breeze and all the best tunes, and me clandestinely trying to tame my hair over the high-speed wind. All the while, I was keeping an eye on puppy, who I was sure would jump ship any minute. All of the sudden,  I felt a warm mist and smelled the most pungent yet instantly recognizable odors. Hello doggy piss to the face. After some colorful language and feverish wiping, we laughed it off.

Now, a few miles down the road and keeping an even keener eye on the dog, I noticed he was really getting antsy back there. Just as he went to perch himself off the side of the car in jump position, I instinctively yanked his tail. Hard. Excuse this simile, but it was like pulling a lever on a soft serve machine. He let loose the number two from hell as my hand just barely escaped the line of fire. I know I used the word puppy, but in reality we are talking Mastiff proportions. No really, it was an actual full-grown Mastiff. I  now found myself wishing he had just gone dog overboard five miles back.

After one smelly ride, we arrived lakeside. Everything was going well until I decided to show my bravery and knee board simultaneously with my foxy fling. This resulted in me being flung off doing about ten cartwheels across the water, skidding like a skipping stone. I am pretty sure my bathing suit was no longer in a position to leave anything to the imagination once I finally reached the surface for air. So much for making the guy wait to see the goods. That relationship ended pretty abruptly as well.

Yes, the majority of that story was more about dog doo thank knee boarding, but it is definitely one of the more hilarious stories I have (in retrospect).

What are your most memorable, awkward, terrifying, funny, or [insert adjective here] firsts?

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About Becca Cord

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on May 1, 2012, in Adventures, Humor, Silly, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. Very nice, love the knee boarding story! I think there are a lot of firsts I would rather forget haha.

    • Thanks for the feedback, and yes, I can’t imagine there is anyone out there who doesn’t have at least one first they’d rather put on a shelf and forget.

      • Oh and if you want to move out of Louisiana, NZ is a great place to explore! :-)

        • I bet! I am working towards figuring out where I will go, but at least I know I am going somewhere :).

          • I have decided to travel to Chile and work up or down the country and explore it on a motorbike for a couple of years. It is exciting having a plan for something! I hope you get to go somewhere awesome!

          • Thanks! I think that is incredible that you are going to just go explore! I wish you all the luck and fun.

          • The way I look at it is, we on average work 5 days a week and have 2 to ourselves. This nonsense carries on for the majority of your ‘useful’ years. Then when you are old you say, why did all that I do was work every day?

            So I want to just go and do whatever, and learn languages and meet people, to make the most of what I have here and not to waste it. :-) and thanks, good luck to you as well.

  2. Great work! I loved this look back…

  3. I peaked early. I fought a kid over a girl in 2nd grade, won and she kissed me.

  4. Great post B.

    First kiss was my babysitter. She was in 6th grade I was in 5th. It happened on the playground. It was very exciting.

    First drink was at home with the parents. I didn’t care for beer or wine. First official “drinking” was at a football party as a sophomore (H.S. was 10th grade – 12th grade) I started out with the red solo cup they give you when you enter. A while later I found a big gulp cup and started drinking from that….sometime later I was drinking from a 2 liter bottle. It’s pretty much a blur after that. Luckily a friend of the family found me passed out in a gutter part way home, and took me home. It didn’t take me long after that to figure out and stay within my tolerances.

    First time water skiing I was being pulled by my friends Dickhead father. He yanked me off the skis and took his time getting back around to pick me up. I was stung 20 – 30 times by jellyfish. Nothing I could do but sit there and take it. Years later, the second time I tried water skiing I tore my hamstring trying to get up on those damn skis. I was out of work for 2 months. I don’t water ski.

    S

    • Thanks! The baby sitter huh?! Going for them older ladies ;). That is too funny. It usually doesn’t take much more than a few good bad nights drinking to teach you to pace yourself.

      On the water skiing… I think you made the right choice by giving it a rest. Sorry that happened to you though! I never tried any kind of water sport after my incident either. I was convinced I had broken my neck the instant I slammed against the water, so the fright it gave me was enough to shy me away from the whole scene. I stay inside the boat these days.

  5. I like it! Haha! I can relate. Although my first drunk was off of those Skyy Vodka malt beverage things. I was SICK.

    • Oh god… those are a death sentence in a bottle. They taste like alcoholic sugar water! I had a few drunks off those as well. Yuck! Thanks for reading and the feedback!

  6. My first kiss was also in a movie theater – but in the movie theater lobby. It wasn’t until I was 18 as well.

    I started laughing in the middle of it. :p

    While being quite puzzled, he actually took it well. ^.^

  7. You articulated your stories a lot betther than I did. And a fun read! Thanks for linking my site. I’ll be sure to share more soon.

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